“I’m too old for this kind of thing,” I said. “The middles are violent.”
Tyler laughed, watching the triplets—still full of energy—board their sleds and whisk off down the hill. “It’s fun.”
“Yeah.” I grinned. “Can’t deny that.”
God, he was beautiful. The thought crashed up, unbidden and unwanted, but not exactly deniable. He looked like a perfect Christmas angel, here on this snowy hilltop capped by ice and laughter. No wonder I’d developed such a crazy crush. I’d spent years watching him like this, all good-natured in group settings, doling out charm and attention and kindness.
I remembered how often I used to gaze at him and think,I am smitten.
Now it was Isaac I daydreamed about, but it was different somehow. Isaac didn’t feel as... raw as Tyler had. Isaac felt steadier. When I’d obsessed over Tyler, I’d been overcome by emotions, but when I thought about Isaac, I pictured a future. I pictured us together at lunches, walking down the street, in the park. It felt more real, less like a fever dream.
I turned to watch as Noah sat on a sled, Abby between his legs. They sped away down the hill. I watched them flatten out before the trees with their long shadows. Although it wasn’t even five o’clock, the sun was sinking, the light growing weaker. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Go for it.”
“Why are you guys here, at Christmas, instead of with one of your moms’ families? A few of the summer families come for the holidays, but most want to be with their extended families.”
Tyler pulled one leg up to his chest and wrapped an arm around it, his gaze locked on the kids lying on their stomachs and plunging down the hill. “My grandparents on Mama’s side are in Mexico, and we see them at Easter. And Mom’s parents... we see them, but not more than we have to.”
“Oh.” Seeing my family had never seemed like a choice. “Why not?”
“They don’t get Mom. Whenever we see them, everyone ends up shouting. A few years ago, Mom and Mama decided they would take a break from weeklong trips and holidays and we’d do shorter ones.”
I hadn’t known you could simply decide not to spend holidays with family. The wonders of being an adult. “It sounds hard.”
“Yeah.” He toyed with a button on his coat. “They make Mom feel bad, like she did everything wrong. Even though she’s this major producer, they think since she didn’t go to college she lucked out instead of working hard. It’s like she’s always trying to prove herself to them. That’s why my parents bought the house here, actually. Mom wanted to prove—I don’t know—she can fit into the old money thing if she wants.”
“I would have thought—after grandkids...” I gestured vaguely at him. “Your grandparents didn’t chill out?”
He let out a white cloud of air. “I’m how it started. Mom left home when she was eighteen and pregnant and moved to LA. So it’s not like I was a mark of her being settled and adult or anything.”
“Wow.” I was a little surprised I’d never heard about this. “Do you—are you in touch with your bio dad? Sorry if I’m prying—”
“It’s fine. We have a fine relationship. He’s still in Raleigh and works in cleantech.”
“Oh. Cool. I didn’t know.” I immediately felt foolish, because of course I hadn’t.
“I don’t talk about it.” He gave me his bright, polished smile, the one I was beginning to realize wasn’t real but maybe part of the wall Tyler himself had up.Everyone has walls, he’d said earlier. Even him. A mirrored wall that kept people from realizing there was a wall at all.
“I tell everyone things are fine all the time, too,” I said impulsively. “I’m usually lying. It’s okay if it’s not fine.”
Now he gave me his smaller, more crooked smile, the one that felt more real. “Okay. Yeah. It’s more complicated than fine. But it’s not bad.”
“Not bad seems like the best we can hope for half the time.”
“True.” He laughed, then turned his sparkle on me, his good mood restored. “Come on. Our turn.”
“Our turn for what?”
But he’d already jumped to his feet, striding toward the tripletsas they returned with a sled in tow. A moment later, negotiation complete, he returned.
I stared at the sled. “I don’t know...”
“What do you mean?” he asked innocently. “It’ll be fun.”
Sledding was fun, true. But sledding with Tyler? I could feel my body heating up. An excellent way to fight the winter cold: keep yourself perpetually flustered. “How do we do this?”
“Easy.” Tyler settled on the sled, his legs wide. “Sit down in front of me.”
