Too much.
Recalling myself, I put a hand on his chest to ward him off. “I don’t think we should do this.”
He sat up immediately, putting space between us. “Sorry—I didn’t mean to pressure you—”
I rushed to correct him. “No, you didn’t pressure me, you were fine—”
“Are you sure? We don’t have to go any faster than you want to—”
“No, I mean—I meant”—I took a deep breath—“I meant, we shouldn’t do any of this. I don’t think this is a good idea.” I waved a hand between our chests. “Us.”
His expression froze. “You’re breaking up with me.”
“What? No,” I said automatically, because we weren’t dating. “I mean—canI break up with you?”
“You can do whatever you want.” He gave me an icy, polite smile. “I get it.”
“You—you do?” How could he get me breaking up with him when I wasn’t? I was telling him I couldn’t casually hook up because I couldn’t bear for him to not want this as badly as I did.
Because I couldn’t be casual with Tyler. With Tyler, I wantedeverything, and having an undetermined amount would destroy me. If I agreed to that—if I let this go on, this foggy, uncertain state—I’d be responsible for making myself miserable. And I wasn’t going to do that. I knew what I wanted, what would make me happy, and it wasn’t fragments of his time, it wasn’t uncertainty, it wasn’t being casual. I couldn’t hope eventually he would come around to wanting to be with me. I’d constantly be on edge, spending my time overthinking every comment of his, always wondering if it would end.
Maybe it was too late to keep my heart from breaking again over Tyler Nelson, but at least I could make it a clean break. I wouldn’t help him slice off tiny slivers. I knew what I wanted, what I needed.It’s too bad we want such different things, he’d said, and damn, it was. It really, really was. But I knew what I needed to be happy.
“Of course, I get it.” Tyler stood and started pacing across the room. “You’ve made it perfectly clear I’m not the kind of guy you’d ever seriously date.”
“I’m sorry—what?” My brain did a poor job of sifting the meaning from his words. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m no Isaac. I’m not ambitious and smart and focused and all those things you like.”
“Right,” I said slowly. I put that aside for the moment—“Okay, but I’m not breaking up with you, because we’re not together. I’m saying—I can’t do what you do, casual flings. I don’twanttodo that. I want to date someone, one person, exclusively.”
He frowned. “Wait, so—would you date me?”
I frowned back at him. “You don’t want to date me.”
“Yes.” He pressed his lips together and looked away, the color in his cheeks heightened. “I do.”
I stared at him a long time. “I’m confused,” I finally said. “Because for the last two weeks, you’ve made it very clear you don’t do relationships. For the past severalyears, honestly. Why would you suddenly be interested in one?”
He pulled at his hair. “I thought being in a relationship would make me feel tied down and uncomfortable. Maybe because I didn’t really like the idea of letting someone in. I didn’t really want to be myself around anyone. Didn’t trust anyone.” He shrugged. “But I trust you. You make me feel comfortable. Being around you feels... easy.”
I stared at him.
My silence might have cracked him, because his voice sounded uncertain. “Unless you’re not interested?”
That stabbed me. I jumped off the bed and took a couple quick steps up to him.You remind me of the Russian snow girl story, he’d said. Did he think I would melt away? That he wouldn’t see me until the next time we were on Nantucket? “God, Tyler,yes. Of course I wanted to date you. The only thing I want in theworldis for you to want to be with me. But... wow.” Letting in people was one thing; letting in Tyler Nelson, who could be wrappedaround my heart in an instant, quite another. “I’m surprised you’re interested.”
“I think we both shut people out,” he said quietly. “In different ways. With different kinds of walls.”
“I agree,” I said, equally soft.
He looked up, eyes vulnerable. “I don’t want any walls with you. Usually I feel like I’m performing, making other people feel comfortable. AndInever feel so comfortable.” He took a deep breath. “You described a partner as a best friend you get to kiss. I haven’t had a best friend in a long time. But I like the idea of both of those with you. I don’t want to go home and all of this to vanish.”
“I don’t, either,” I said. “But I already fell for you, Tyler. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.”
“You fell for an idea in your head when you were a kid. This is different.”
True. But because I had let him in once, if I let him in again, he would instantly be back in all the old spots he’d filled. “What if you break my heart?”
