Once it’s clear they don’t need to be restrained any longer, Daniel looks at me. “Are you guys fuckingkiddingme?” he gasps out, wiping blood off his face. And then suddenly, none of it is funny anymore. Something crushes inside me.
And it just comes out: “It was a mistake.”
Ellis’s head swivels toward me, his hair in disarray, his shirt untucked. Betrayal flashes across his face.
“Daniel—” I reach for him, but he turns and walks away, practically running. Everyone is dead silent around us until someone says,“Damnnnn.”
Marcella looks at me once before saying, “Okay, everyone, let’s leave them to it.” As she and Logan start dispersing the crowd, I catch a glimpse of Sunny. What is she doing here? But before I can register that, Mar has led her away, too, and I’m left alone with Ellis.
His hands are on his hips, staring down at the ground, and I see his heavy breaths through the heaving of his strong back. I don’t even know what to say—confusion courses through me, I feel so rattled and sick inside.
“Are you okay?” I ask quietly, not daring to get close to him.
“No,” he grinds out, still looking down, his body coiled as if he will lose his shit if he looks at me.
“What I said—”
His head whips up then. His eyes red-rimmed as if he’s going to cry but also filled with so much regret. “I want to be okay with this. Because Daniel deserves someone great like you. But I just…can’t seem to be okay with it.” Blood is dripping off his cheekbone when he says, “And at the wedding, you didn’t seem to be okay with it, either. With Avery, especially.” His words land with a violent thud. The truth of it too big to ignore.
I take a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess I’m not.”
“You almost murdered her in a swimming pool.”
Laughter bubbles out of me, a sweet release. “I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.” But he’s smiling a little, too. “You have nothing to be jealous of, you know.”
“I have no right to be jealous anyway,” I say quietly. “I’m beingone of those selfish assholes who wants everyone to love her as some sort of concept.”
The word “love” hovers above us like a curse and I keep talking to make it evaporate. “What I mean—”
“I think I love you.”
My entire being stills, the blood freezes in my veins, my heart stops beating, my lungs stop expanding. “What?”
Ellis reaches out, his hands gripping my arms. His eyes don’t leave mine. “I love you, Cassia.”
I shake my head. “No, Ellis. No, you don’t. We’ve only spent a weekend together, really—”
“Who cares? We’ve seen each other more than that.Wekeep seeing each other,” he grinds the words out. “There’s something bigger here, something that could be so great. And you won’t let it happen because of my age? Or is there some other secret thing you won’t tell me?”
Other secret thing. I know he’s not trying to be dismissive, that he’s just frustrated. But it stings, that offhand reference to something that is the biggest secret thing. The most special thing about me. The thing that has built a legacy for my family. One that we protect generation after generation.
“Ellis, I don’t know.” It’s whispered, my eyes filling up with tears. I am so, so tired and confused and unsure about everything. Something dims in his eyes and we are far apart, again.
He’s shutting down. Organ by organ, until his heart is locked up tight. “Okay. I have a scrap of pride left. I won’t bother you anymore.”
Something close to despair fills me, and I say, “Ellis, I wish—”
“That I was ten years older? Yeah, I know. All of this was a mistake. I get it now.” He walks away and I want to walk after him, but I know the kind thing to do is stay where I am and let my heart break right along with his.
41
Minutes, maybe hours, pass before Marcella finds me.
“Can you take me home?” I ask her, trying not to cry.
I’m quiet on the drive home and Marcella doesn’t press me for details. When we get to my house, she follows me in and immediately opens up a bottle of wine and guzzles it straight from the bottle. “You’re going to turn me into an alcoholic,” she finally says. “Do you want to talk about it?”
