“Okay, okay,” I say under my breath, still taking it in. “I mean, I knew that this would happen but I guess it’s still somehow surprising.”
“Like everything,” Halmoni says with fondness in her voice. “I am so proud of you. And I know that the company will continue to thrive under you.”
“Especially now that you’ve found Daniel!” Emoni says as she wraps me in a tight squeeze.
I feel myself tense under her touch. Suddenly the timing of all of this feels strangely fortuitous. “What does the company’s future have to do with Daniel?” I ask, pulling away.
Sunny drops her head into her hands. “Emo, Jesus.”
Emoni flushes. “What! It’s not anythingbad.”
A foreboding lodges itself in the pit of my stomach and I look to Halmoni, whose expression is stoic as always. “Were you guys…were you waiting on me to find Daniel before naming me the successor?”
“No!” Sunny exclaims. “It wasn’t that.”
“Well,”Emoni says, dragging the word out. She catches my expression and says, “Cassia, it was only practical. We wanted to makesure everything was stable and on course for your future and your future daughter.”
My head swims at those words. “Pardon. Me?”
“You’ve gone and done it now,” Sunny says as she plops back in her chair. “Shit.”
Halmoni claps her hands loudly. “Everyone, stop being so dramatic. My goodness.” Before I can even open my mouth, she points to the chair near me. “Please, sit down.”
I remain standing. “No! Do not talk to me like I’m ten years old.”
“If you were ten, you would listen.”
Normally, a sharp comment like that from Halmoni would make me yield. But I surprise myself by remaining standing, staring her down. It’s a silent standoff in the splendor of this yard, the scent of roses wafting over us.
She takes a deep breath and places her hands on the chair in front of her. It’s a tiny, almost imperceptible waver. “Cassia, you know we always wanted you to find Daniel. And we’re so happy you have. And we never wanted to put this pressure on you.”
I continue to stare silently.
“But it’s true—we weren’t sure if giving you the company would distract you from finding your fated. And more than the company, more than anything, we want you to start your life. Your family,” Halmoni’s voice gives way here, to a tenderness.
Tears well up and I blink them away. “I know. But, what if I didn’t? Would I have lost my value then?”
“Of course not,” Sunny says vehemently. “I, more than anyone, understand the value of a life on your own terms.” There’s a moment between her and Halmoni here—a reckoning that I know will never really be reckoned, but that had been buried under the passage of time, as everyone’s focus moved to me and finding Daniel.
I never felt like my gift was a burden until right this very second. That feeling low in my belly—it’s radiating through my body. A dread poison.
“Yes, but you had that choice because ofme,” I say. “Mom had a daughter, I have the gift. Pressure’s off.” The bitterness slips off my tongue and I see it land on everyone. Sunny, particularly, looks stung.
“It was never supposed to be a burden,” Emoni says, her voice sad. “We’re sorry if that’s how you feel.”
My anger starts to plateau as I take in the misery of my family. Halmoni looks pale when she says, “I am always thinking of you first, Cassia.” In that raw confession, I see all the nights of Halmoni helping me with homework. Of Emoni teaching me how to play Go-Stop. Of Sunny chaperoning school field trips, sanitizing her hands every five minutes. All the trips to the dentist, the back-to-school shopping, the sleepovers hosted in this very house.
These women raised me and I have never second-guessed my place in this family until right this minute. I feel myself deflate, the anger leaving me as quickly as it came. “I know that, of course. I appreciate you all. But, the Daniel thing—I want it to feel happy and real. Not…a duty.”
Emoni’s face is soft when she says, “Love is never a duty.”
I want to smile and be done with it but something about this is still making me uneasy. Love is never a duty, but for my family it kind of is. There’s expectation there—it might be tied to the idea of me finding happiness, but my family’s business relies on that happiness.
And when my mother rejected her fated—her relationship with her parents fractured. With Halmoni.
So, love isn’t an easy concept, a given, in my family. It’s way more complicated and for the first time, maybe ever, I wish that we were just normal.
29
