“Yeah. I’m really going to miss trees.”
I lean against the counter, drying my hands off with a kitchen towel. “You really believe that, though? No trees in your lifetime?”
He shrugs. “I mean, no. We’ll probably have trees for a while. But it’s part of the appeal of my job, you know? Creating landscapes that are equipped for whatever the future may hold. It’s hopeful.”
Something softens in me, and he must see it in my face because he looks at me intensely before clearing his throat and turning away.
It’s like being doused with water. I’m going on a date with Danieltomorrow.
The kids want to show Ellis the tricks they’ve taught Betty, so he sticks around for a little longer and I feel myself fidgeting with restlessness. He’s so good with them, so fully present and into whatever funny things they are sharing with him. I try not to read too much into it—it’s easy for twentysomething men to be good with kids. There are no stakes, they are here to be fun for a couple hours, then they can seamlessly go back to their regular lives of sleeping in and leisurely dinners.
Wow, okay, really convincing yourself there, Cass.But I do have to remind myself of reality. Just because I am having big baby family feelings today doesn’t mean that Ellis is the solution for it.
It’s hard for me to cut it short, but I have to. If only because Mica really needs to get some rest.
“Last Betty trick,” I say once they show her hanging upside down from Mica’s index finger.
They groan and Ellis says, “It’s getting late. I need to get my beauty sleep.”
Mica giggles. “Boys don’t need beauty sleep.”
“Pardon me?” Ellis says, playing affronted. “You think I just wake up this way?”
The kids are still laughing when he gets up to leave. He gives Mica a high five and spins Ozzie in the air before he steps out. I tell the kids to go brush their teeth while I step outside with him.
It’s cold out, and I rub my arms for warmth. The porch light flickers overhead. “Thanks so much, again. Really.”
“Hey, what did I say? No more thank-yous.” Again, that little edge to his voice.
I refuse to keep making bad decisions so I say, “I have to tell you something.” It comes out urgent and he instantly steps back.
“Okay.” He crosses his arms.
“This is…I really don’t know how to say this without it being kind of shitty.” I run my hands through my hair, long and tangled. Then I look him in the eyes, because he deserves that. “I’m going to have dinner with Daniel tomorrow night.”
He looks confused for a second. “Daniel?” Then it registers. “Daniel…myboss.”
I nod and tense up all over. I don’t know what I’m expecting but my body is bracing itself for it.
Ellis just stares down at the ground between us, then takes a deep breath. “Okay. Wow.” His voice is even, not revealing a single thing.
I want to give him more space to digest but instead I keep talking. “I’m sorry. He came to one of our matchmaking events and well, we ended up talking. So…”
“I should go.” He won’t even look at me as he turns and heads down the stairs.
And before I can help it, I say, “I’m so sorry, Ellis.”
He doesn’t say anything as he walks away.
That night, as I’m in bed, tossing and turning, I realize that I drove him to my house. He probably had to take an Uber home. I don’t know why, but this is the thing that gets to me most, and I stay up for another couple hours feeling like a piece of shit.
27
For the first time in weeks, I have a dream that night.
There’s rushing water, I can hear it but I can’t see it. I am surrounded by water and it’s overwhelming. A voice calls out to me, and when I turn to look for who’s behind it, I spot a creature through a cloak of fog. It’s white—but I can’t tell what it is. A horse? Someone is calling me, but it’s not my name. I just know they are calling out for me.
I wake up tangled in my sheets. I don’t have time to process the dream because both Mica and Ozzie discover that I’m awake and jump into bed with me—elbows jabbing into my sides, little bare feet bouncing off my pillow.
