“I’m just saying, I thought once you met Daniel, or reached a certain age orwhatever—I thought you’d find some flexibility within this…prophecy.” She reaches over and squeezes my arm.
“Flexibility? What would that even look like whenfateis involved?”
She looks at me with concern. “Cass. It means you find out who it is, you meet them, and thenyoudecide, as afree-will-havinghuman being, whether or not you want to be with them.”
It’s like being knocked over the head. “I guess I was a true believer. There was no wiggle room for me. It was the most concrete, steadying force in my life. And then my dad…”
She gives me a beat. “Do you want to talk about it? I mean…that’s…huge.”
It takes me a second to know if I want to talk about it. With my dad—it’s all so many things at once. “It was surreal. And. I don’t know. Sad.”
“And shocking, too, I bet.”
“Yeah. It was a lot. And he left the door open for getting to know each other.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Not sure. I feel like, first, I have to sort out this fated puzzle with my family. With Daniel and Ellis. Oh my god, what is my life?!” I take a couple deep breaths. “I don’t know. After that, then, maybe…I can think of accepting him back into my life?” I pause. “He didn’t have kids after me. I think, in some ideal version of the world, I would just forgive him and start a relationship. But I have no idea if I want that. It feels like a betrayal to my mom.” I poke at my carne asada. “But he knew Mom when she was younger, I would love to know more about that. And, well, he is my only living parent now.”
She nods. “But don’t forget, you always have your grandparents, too.”
Their betrayal stings deeply and my anger at them rushes through me again. “I’m so, so mad at them.”
“I get that. But don’t you think you need to give them a chance to explain themselves? They love you. That kind of love—they would throw themselves off a cliff before hurting you.” A wry smile. “Intentionally, anyway.”
“I’ve been avoiding them, but I know I have to face them.”
She finally takes a big bite of her taco. “Soon,” she says through the food in her mouth.
I take a breath. “I know. There’s just something else I need to do first.”
46
The next morning, I text Daniel.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to be in touch. I’ve been dealing with some big family stuff.
He doesn’t text back. I wait for a bit before sending another one out:
Can we meet after you’re done with work? I’ll come to you.
Finally, he says:
Ok. Let’s aim for eight.
When I pull up to his house that evening, he’s standing outside in sweats and a fleece zip-up. It reminds me of Joshua Tree and itmakes me sad. When I park, he opens the passenger-side door and says, “Can we go on a drive?”
“Sure,” I say, feeling uneasy.
When he gets in, it’s silent and uncomfortable. It’s my job to power through. “Daniel. I’m so sorry. About everything.” I look over at him, his profile sharp and serious. He’s not looking at me. “I am. I truly am.”
He nods. “Well, glad that’s squared away.” His hands are clenched together in his lap, and I feel so profoundly bad for putting this resilient, confident man in this state. But then he seems to remember his manners. “Is your family okay?”
The sear of anger I feel surprises me every time I think of my family. “Yeah…There was some drama.Is. I still have a lot to deal with, but…that’s not your problem.” And it hurts me to say that, to admit that my family really is no longer his problem. And that they have no idea I’m doing this because I don’t want to hear any more of their thoughts about my love life.
He nods in response. Okay. This is going to be painful. “Um, did you have a destination in mind or…?”
“Wherever you want, Cass.”
