“I thought that was the whole idea,” he said softly.
“Yeah, it just makes me… self-conscious,” she said with a gentle exhale. Without thinking, he reached his arm across the table and stretched out his hand. She grasped it like a life preserver.
“It’s weird,” she began, “I always feel so assured on the rink. I’m the most confident version of myself on the ice. But no matter how hard I’ve been trying to play up the role of the confident captain, I’m just not there yet.”
“I thought the plan was to just fake it till you make it?” he asked.
“I tried that, it doesn’t work,” she sighed, stirring her straw around her glass. “You know when you watch a film and get to the point where you can feel everything about to go on a downward spiral?”
Drew nodded; he was way more familiar with that feeling than he wanted to be.
“I’ve felt that way ever since New Year’s Eve. I’m keeping it together for the sake of the team, and I would never admit it to them, but I have no idea if we’re going to win our next game, or any other game.”
“Isn’t that part of the fun, though? Not knowing how it will end?” he wondered, thinking about how he felt whenever he took a photo with a film camera. It was an act of blind hope.
“Maybe it would be if it was just about me. But it’s the whole team, you know? I don’t know what I’ll do if we don’t make it to the quarterfinals. How I’ll even be able to look them in the eye.”
“But is it really your responsibility to figure everything out?”
“Yes,” she said without hesitation.
“Why?”
“Because… I’m the captain, and the girls look up to me. It’s my responsibility to make sure we win.”
“But it’s their responsibility, too. Have you tried talking to them about how you feel? It seems like you’re carrying it all by yourself,” he said.
“I can carry it by myself,” she said with a touch ofdefensiveness. “I know how to handle things. I’ve been doing it my whole life.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to.”
Drew absentmindedly ran his thumb up and down the side of her hand before glancing down. He began to pull away, but she drew him back. This time she was the one tracing her fingers against his skin. He glanced down at their intertwined hands and then up at her.
“If your teammates are the way you describe them, you have people in your life that love you. You don’t have to do it all alone to prove a point.”
“Do you take your own advice?” she asked.
“What would be the fun in that?” He smiled, thinking of all the truths he held back from those he loved. “Why tell my family the truth when I can share my secrets with strange girls on rooftops in the middle of parties?”
“Ugh, I regret that,” she laughed.
“Why?” he said, trying to sound casual. She looked up at the ceiling and then at him.
“Because… in normal circumstances, I would never tell a guy I liked all my secrets within minutes of meeting him.”
“Really?” he asked, deciding not to latch on to the “guy I liked” part of the sentence.
“If I’d known I’d see you again, I would have played it cool.” She shrugged.
“Okay, so what would you do differently if this was our very first date?”
She took a sip of her drink and carefully studied his face. She did that a lot, but he couldn’t work out what she was looking for.
“I would have leaned over and told you all my best stories. Acted like we were in on the same jokes, given you a few conspiratorial smiles,” she said, aiming one at him. “I should havejust flirted a little and kept it cute. Simple and fun. But instead, I let myself be messy and honest. Who wantsthaton a first date?”
“I do,” he said. She shook her head.
“No. If I’d told you all of that on a real first date, you would have run away.”
