She hums at me suspiciously, sensing that my reply wasn’t at all truthful. “Lunch? I have a table booked.”
“Absolutely.” I rise, reaching for my bag.
“Darling, do youreallyhave time for a leisurely lunch right now?” Susie’s piercing tone permeates the space between Yemi and me.
She never fails to notice me even attempting to take my entire lunch hour. The last time I took it all was for an emergency dentist appointment to fix a cracked tooth. After an eye-watering, wallet-cinching sixty minutes she sent a text with her coffee order, assuming I was out running errands.
“Umm, no. I guess not,” I say, sinking back into my chair. I swallow the guilt I know I shouldn’t be feeling and shoot Yemi an apologetic, tight-lipped smile. “You go, I’ll grab a sandwich later.”
Yemi eyes Susie incredulously. Being a head of department means she doesn’t have to take shit from Susie, but begrudgingly has a level of respect for her as the founder and former owner of the company. She also knows putting Susie in a bad mood will only serve to make my day worse. Sometimes this job feels as if I’m trapped in a cold, dark lake, gripping on to the edges trying to escape. The water-clogged mud slides through my hands and slippery tufts of grass release from the ground when I pull on them too hard. Sometimes my head goes under,and sometimes I manage to stay afloat, but no matter how close I come to getting out, I always end up back where I started.
As Yemi leaves, Susie turns back to me. “There are some things we need to discuss.” She clip-clops in her heels toward her office, assuming I will immediately follow.
I do.
Her layered multicolored necklaces jangle as she swans into her beautifully designed office, which looks more like a swanky private club lounge than a place for business. Her thick floral perfume pervades the space, which is full of pastel-toned mid-century armchairs and chic brass lamps that she uses to light the place as she despises ceiling lighting. There are decorative book bundles from some high-end furniture store dotted around on various surfaces, and I’m certain their pages have never seen the light of day.
“I want to talk about the meeting with Catcher,” she says, lips pursing.
I nod my head curiously, trying my best to act as if I don’t know what she is about to say. She looked surprised and then annoyed when I agreed to his proposal, and one of her few flaws is never being able to keep her opinions to herself. She sighs and flops back nonchalantly in her white bouclé fabric desk chair behind a pristine glass desk.
“I really don’t think you’re going to have time for it, darling.”
I am enough, I belong here, I deserve to be here.
I remain tight-lipped as she continues.
“Your schedule is already so busy: your daily reporting, your evening events, working on partnerships, all your... lunches.” She pauses for effect and looks me up and down. “You won’t have time to do this too, you’ll never have a moment for yourself.”
Not like I had time before.
“Well, ummm, maybe I could...” My fingers tighten around my notepad. “... drop some of my... assistant-level duties in the meantime. Like submitting your expense reports?”
The silence sits on my chest until it feels as though my lungs are going to collapse and a cold sweat runs down my back.
I am enough.
I belong here.
Susie stares at her pristinely manicured nails as she replies. “Do you really think I would have time to take on your tasks as well as my own? I have so much going on at the moment. All this... Ditto stuff”—she waves her hand in front of my face—“it’s just a waste of your time.”
She pulls a bright pink Charlotte Tilbury lipstick and compact mirror out of her Louis Vuitton carry-all and refreshes her makeup while continuing to talk at me.
“Darling, I’m late for a meeting. While I’m gone, I want you to think about where your priorities and loyalties lie. Let me know when you’ve come to your senses and see things clearly.”
She snaps the mirror shut and looks at me pointedly. My cheeks turn as hot pink as her lips with a swirl of shame, guilt and ungratefulness.
Do I deserve to be here?
I nod so violently my neck twangs.
She pivots on her heels and goes to leave the room. “And those influencer contracts.” She gestures at a stack of papers neatly piled on her desk. “Go through those and find that girl we worked with a couple of years ago.”
She clicks her fingers, trying to summon the name out of me.
I furrow my brow. “I’m not sure who you mean.”
“She had that little yappy dog with her at all times. You’ll figure it out, darling.” She breezes out the door with a huff.
