‘Gran has had a fall,’ I said, though Nick had clearly heard that part of the call. ‘Kate must be working. I don’t know, she’s uh … not speaking to me.’ My voice caught in my throat.Everything is a fucking mess.
‘Is Iris okay? Wait. Why is Kate not speaking to you?’
‘We had a stupid fight about the hot doctor and you …’ He looked genuinely horrified by that. ‘And then I just downloaded on her. I unpacked every issue I’d had with her over our whole lives. She’s been living with me to help me, but I need to be alone sometimes and her desire to have an opinion on every facet of my life has been bothering me lately. Instead of saying this like a normal person, I waited until I was backed into a corner, exploded and told her to get out. She was super upset.’ I put my pounding head into my hand. ‘I’m her big sister. I should have handled it better.’
He gave a soft laugh through his nose. ‘That sounds familiar.’
I looked at him, realising for the first time that we both had that in common. ‘Duty.’
‘Yup, duty. Tell me, Abbey, did someone force the duty on you? Or is it just who you always were?’
‘I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t whine when you lost your parents so young and then literally raised your siblings.’
‘You’re allowed to share complaints about your life without comparing them to someone else. You’re allowed grievances. You’re allowed to be angry or annoyed. The way you feel is valid. And it is important to the people who love you.’
Does that include you?
I sighed, thoughtfully. ‘I’ve always done it. I’m not certain where the expectation came from. She was allowed to be Iris, and I was expected to be mature, the grown-up one, the bigger person, the boring one. I don’t know if I did that. Or if it was a role I was given. Is it because I’m quiet? I don’t know, but either way I find it hard to say “enough” or “no”. And there are bigger questions. Is that what attracted Peter? My submissiveness? Is that what attracted you?’
‘Abbey, what attracted me to you was your self-assurance, your self-possession. You seemed to know exactly who you were, and you seemed completely comfortable with it.’
‘I am comfortable with who I am. I just don’t want to be passive or submissive in my life anymore. I don’t want to have to bend my expectations to meet somebody else’s anymore. I need someone who bends for me too. I just hate the way it exploded out with Kate.’
‘You’ve been accommodating for forty-two years and putting your foot down for a minute, Abs. It might take some getting used to.’ He pulled me into his chest. ‘Just give yourself a bit of time. And rate yourself significantly higher. You are important to everyone important to you.’ He pressed a soft kiss into my hair.
‘I know it’s selfish, but I just wanted to be with you for what little time we have left.’
‘I’m not going to let you walk out of here and deal with this alone, Abbey. I thought I’d come with you. We’ll fly home, go check if Iris is okay, and sort out this stuff with Kate. I’m not leaving you. We’ve still got one more day. Peter has Ella. I’ll just stay at yours tonight.’ He tilted my chin up to look at him. ‘If that’s all right? Abbey, if that is what you want?’
He’d checked in with me, showing me he respected the new boundaries I was trying to establish. I could have laughed until I cried because he was looking at me as if he was offering nothing at all. As if the idea of spending a whole day and night with him meant nothing. The truth was, it was everything. It was going to be what kept me going into a lonely old age. And maybe one day, if I had granddaughters, I would tell them – as Iris has told us about her life and her loves, some great, some not – but I would tell them about the time I had a great love and I got to spend this one last day with him. And maybe they would ask me how I recovered from my great love and maybe I would tell them that I didn’t. Ever. But at least I had one. Maybe I would tell them that I found myself at the same time. ‘The Greatest Love of All’ Whitney Houston called it. And if they asked me if it were possible to fall in love after forty, I would say it is easier than one could possibly imagine.
I didn’t know what to say to him. Everything felt inadequate. I swung around and wrapped my body around his and whispered an emotional, ‘Thank you.’
***
Automatically, I switched into EA mode. I headed to the lounge, pulled out my laptop and attempted to book urgent flights. The problem was there were no flights, not until late that night, and I was genuinely stressed that my gran might not make it. The more I thought about not being in Sydney for that eventuality, the more stressed I became, and I broke into sobs that were silent but made my whole body shake.
‘Hey. Hey now.’ He squatted in front of me. ‘Abbey, please let me help?’ he urged gently.
I needed help. He took my hand, and I nodded. I needed him.
He made three phone calls about the flight. That was all it took, and we were leaving in, well, as soon as we could get to the airport.
Unable to get on a commercial flight with enough speed, he’d hired a private one. He arranged for the driver who picked us up at the hotel in Melbourne to have bacon and egg rolls, coffee and painkillers. He rang St Vincent’s Hospital and had Kate paged, leaving a message for her. He then had Evelyn head to the hospital to pick up Kate and get her to the nursing home, where we would meet her. He arranged for his driver to take us from Sydney Airport to Iris’s nursing home.
By some miracle (also known as Nick Northby) we pulled up in front of Ashford House on a cold, rainy Sunday, not more than three hours after I had received Peter’s call.
In the parked car, I experienced the overwhelming desire to freeze time. Stop. Right this very second. Nick beside me. Gran alive.
‘Remember the day we lost it?’
My hand was at my chest where my pendant should have be. I offered him a sad smile.
‘Yeah. You made me get on that bloody boat again.’
‘Yes, because fears are there to be conquered.’
I scoffed at that. This man had absolutely no insight into himself. ‘Are they?’
