Lewis has no fucking right to be surprised. Clearly, I’m the one who’s missing crucial information, because if he’s slotted to work with Rosanna? Then the position she told me about depends on the new money that just came in.
Hismoney.
“Thank you, Maria,” Lewis says in a tone that doesn’t sound the part, coming over to me. “Um, Frances. I’ve been looking for you—”
What, so you could finally tell me about this grant you secretly won? The oneIwas desperate for?I want to snap but shove it down. I need to get out of here before I do something stupid again and tank my career even more.
“Didn’t realize it was this late already,” I manage to squeeze past the aggravation building in my throat and pretend to look at the clock on my phone. I shoot up a little too fast and Lewis steadies me, the pressure of each of his fingers feeding into the pool of anger simmering at the pit of my stomach. “I need to get going—I told an, um, student I’d meet them… Anyway. Thanks for letting me sit with you. I’ll be in touch,” I tell Rosanna. “Maria, it was so nice meeting you.”
I tell my feet to stay put until they reply, but what theysay is completely lost on me. Once Rosanna smiles and Maria nods, I pick up my cup and stride through the rows of tables. I was so caught up in talking to them that I barely sipped from my drink and now the bright red liquid sloshes over my fingers, cool and sticky.
How did I manage to get here again? Back into the role I’ve been running from for five years? The place where I watch the man in my life advance his career, wondering what I lack in qualification or grit.
A better colleague would be happy to hear about Lewis’s scientific success. A better partner would secure a bottle of champagne and cheer on the move to a new city closer to her. A better scientist would be exhilarated about the prospect of working together on a topic she’s passionate about.
Turns out I’m none of the above.
I drain the drink in my cup. It’s almost too sweet, but then the bitter aftertaste of the alcohol hits and I’m glad for how generously the bartender filled up the bottom of the glass with tequila.
Lewis comes running behind me. “Frances, please wait. I know what this looks like, but could you—”
Alcohol does nothing to extinguish a fire. You don’t need to be a scientist to know that. But when Lewis catches up to me, the liquor is already trickling into the flames scorching my insides.
“Iwon’t do anything,” I spit out, keeping my voice low to avoid causing a public scene. “I won’t wait for you or listen to you, orworkfor you, for that matter.”
“Just let me—”
“Explain? Fuck no, Lewis, there is nothing to explain. It’s clear, isn’t it?” I stab at his chest with my index finger. “You got the funding I wanted, I didn’t. In fact, you got so much of it that there’s money left over. Not only did you keep this fromme while I let you comfort me and tell me the grant committee had no clue what they were doing, but now you want to hire me. Because, apparently, that’s the only way for me to get a job. Not because of my skills, my capabilities, but out of pity.”
“I don’t pity you, I—”
“Just—shut up.”
The words break out of me, loud enough for the people at the surrounding tables to lift their heads, a sea of alarmed, sympathetic faces. I turn on my heel and march past the edge of the sitting area to the green, but Lewis overtakes me and steps into my path before I can make it far.
“Whatever it is you want to say, I don’t care,” I tell him, my words coming fast. “You had plenty of time to make this right. Plenty of time to talk to me. I didn’t know you were interested in moving to the Netherlands, but okay. We’re scientists from the same field, so it’s not such a big surprise that we apply for the same grants or want to work with the same people.” I cross my arms in front of my chest. “But what is a big surprise is that you didn’t warn menotto pursue Rosanna for a collaboration. You didn’t tell me your news about the grant. You didn’t think it was worthwhile to communicateanyof this while I was moping about my failures. When did you find out? Friday?”
Silence.
“Did you already know when you got me those fucking consolation donuts?”
My hands shake with the force of my anger, the empty cocktail cup crushed between my fingers. I don’t feel anything as I hurl the words at Lewis. I watch them land and wait for the impact to hurt him. His shoulders slump forward, and there’s a pink smudge at the center of his chest, right where I poked my finger into the white fabric of his shirt.
“I didn’t. Know then, I mean. I also didn’t know you wanted to work with Rosanna. I’m so sorry, Frances. Just let meexplain.” His gaze holds mine hostage, his eyebrows reaching out toward each other across the bridge of his nose. Something ice-cold laps at the flames now, steals the air out of my lungs, and punches my heart into a painful race.
It’s too much to take. Too much with all this noise around me, and Lewisright there, triggering the alarm centers of my brain.
I shake my head sharply.
I can’t. I can’t listen to him right now. Whatever he has to say, it won’t make this right.
My voice is all but a croak. “Tell Brady I wasn’t feeling well, okay?” I say, remembering that we were supposed to meet her.
His eyes scan mine, drop to where my chest is laboring with quick breaths, and after a beat he concedes, “Okay.” His Adam’s apple travels up and down the column of his throat. “Can you text me once you’ve made it home safely?”
I nod. “Fine,” I say. “Ah and, Lewis—”
“Yes?”
