“I agree,” Sewa cuts in. “Since getting back into dating, you’ve approached it like a process, which is all good and fine. But for the first time since college, you’re open and less methodical. You’re being the Moyo who, while yes, plans a lot, also embraces her feelings. When was the last time you felt the overwhelming desire to kiss someone?”
I hope it’s a rhetorical question because the answer escapes me.
When did I last feel an all-consuming romantic urge? Unable to pinpoint a specific moment, I turn their soft words over again until they lose shape and become mush. I sit there silently. Words on the tip of my tongue threaten to escape, but I’m not ready to let the girls know they’re right.
My moments with Niyi, whether at the dance party, at the mixer, in the coffee shop, or in my own living room have been fun—different, but fun.
Unplanned. Spontaneous. Too much fun. Which is probably why I’m overthinking.
How can a man who’s been nothing but professional and is not even my match from the stupid app have me developing a schoolgirl crush?
What is wrong with me?
Moments with Niyi play in my head like a movie montage, making me smile with the same unfiltered joy I experience when the theater’s lights dim.
“This, Moyo babe!” Anjie exclaims. “See how you’re smiling?”
“Shining all her thirty-two,” Sewa chimes in.
The urge to shut everything down with Niyi overtakes my emotions.
“He’s my dating coach. I can’t. He’s just doing his job,” I say in quick succession. Trying to convince them and myself.
“You think he’d be at your house doing manual labor if he wasn’t interested?” Sewa asks.
“He’s been nothing but polite,” I counter. “I can’t take politeness as interest.”
Anjie says, “Maybe you should…”
“You’re so used to doing everything, maybe accepting someone being polite and helpful is a welcome change,” Sewa adds.
“Exactly!” Anjie cosigns. “Thinking about Cole, and hell, let’s take it back to Isaac,” she continues, dredging up the Ghanaian junior I was obsessed with sophomore year—and my first experience of being cheated on after I walked in on him with his “best friend.”
“Take what back to them?” I ask.
“They weren’t the sweet kind. In fact, they were guys you always had to chase. Now here’s someone doing the same thing for you,” Anjie explains, and Sewa nods in agreement.
“And what if Niyi’s not interested? Wh-what if this is all in my head?” While I’m beginning to recognize the type of partner I want, I don’t simply want to project onto my dating coach.
The girls sport matching pouts. “Then you try again,” Sewa says, at the same time Anjie says, “Then he’s misguided,” resulting in much-needed laughter.
“But for real,” Anjie says. “It’ll be okay. Things don’t have to be perfect.”
I understand where they’re coming from. I really do. But uncertainty breeds so much confusion and fear. And for the first time, I’m scared. Of being alone. Of being with the wrong person. Of heartbreak.
“Things won’t end up like Cole or Isaac,” Sewa says. “Even if it’s not with the dating coach, you can’t live forever in fear crafted by those douchebags.”
“Yeah, fuck them!” Anjie says, making us laugh once more. “Really, open your heart. You’re blossoming again, and we think you should hold onto that.”
“And as cliché as it sounds, keep following your heart. It’s moving you to a new place. A place where you’re excited to talk about dating. A place where you’re not stuck on plans,” Sewa says.
“So, as you get to that place, we’re here if you need to talk about those two assholes who should consider witness protection before I finish my Muay Thai classes,” Anjie jokes again, and I almost laugh, but memories of my time with Isaac and Cole hit me like a freight train. A new wave of embarrassment washes over me.
I’m not embarrassed of who I was with them; I refuse to be ashamed of my loving nature. I’m embarrassed because even when the red flags resembled red sirens, I shut my ears and allowed myself to be lulled by sweet nothings. I’m embarrassed that I let them change my loving nature.
Never again.
My mind flashes to the extensiveCupid’s Bowquestionnaire in my bag. My girls and Niyi are right. I need to figure out whatIwant from a partner. Not what I’m used to accepting or what is handed to me or what I think I need to have. I need to realize what I, Moyo Adegbite, actually want and value in a romantic partner. Fears and all.
