Where is Bill? I need him. But I am stuck with the fear. I cannot run to him. And so, I remain with my back against the house, waiting for somebody to find me. Dreading to know who it will be.
And there on the horizon, I swear I see a tiny smudge of red. And I am sure it is Anna in her headscarf, settling in somewhere to watch me.
With a jolt of nerves, I stand up and run.
Tom
IMAGINE MY HEARTBREAK WHEN Isee Betty hurtling towards us. Half demented, her hair still in its rollers, running through the field. Shouting Bill’s name. Recoiling when I try to reach out for her. As though she hates me. She falls into his arms like she is about to collapse.
Imagine how it feels to have the people I have regarded as my saviours looking at me like they don’t know me. Betty is crying. I never thought I would see a woman like Betty Nevan crying. And yet, something has brought her to tears.
She murmurs into Bill’s chest, and I want so badly to push her out of the way. To put myself in Bill’s arms, and for him to hold on to me. To shush me and promise me that I will be alright.
And then, glaring at me, Betty regains some strength. For the first time, looking her age. Like a dog, she snarls at me.
‘Tell me now, Tom, what did Anna do to Lillian Kealey?’
Exasperated, your name in her mouth. Something I never planned for. I am completely, totally lost for words. What happened to Lillian Kealey. Where did she learn your name? What do I say to them, Lillian? What do I tell them now? I stammer, I cannot even begin to speak.
‘I don’t know what to tell ye.’
I am breathless. Caught off guard and facing you. Bill stands up straight, as though he is going to have to threaten me. As though I am a stranger. Maybe I am.
Betty looks almost ready to strike me. Right now, I am much more afraid of what she could do to me than of Bill.
‘Did ye kill her?’
Betty
LATER ON, I’M SURE Iwill be shocked that I had the nerve to ask him this. But now, I feel I could stand before God himself and question all He has done. Something comes over Tom’s face. He is shocked himself. In disbelief, disappointed.
‘Betty, no.’
He says nothing more. Not begging me to believe him. Not afraid of what I will say next. Something in the shock and sadness of his tone makes me believe what I am told. Bill’s hands tense around me. As though he needs to protect and restrain me at once.
‘So what happened to her? Did she even exist?’
I ask more softly. Breaking away from Bill, I face Tom. Look at him shaking, like a child caught out. Later on, I will feel sorry for him. Tears in his eyes, then tears on his face. He tries to speak, but can’t.
‘You better start talking.’
Bill tells him. And immediately, like a trained dog, he answers my husband.
‘It was Anna.’
Tom
NO. WAIT. WHAT SHOULD Ihave said? It was an accident. That’s the line, isn’t it? All the lies I’ve told fall down before me. I can’t unpick them. Bloodied wool. Mammy in her bed. Miltown and New York. A year of lying; I don’t even know what Bill thinks he knows about me anymore. What have I told him? What have I done?
All I’ve done is prepare for moments like this. But now that I am faced with it, I feel an unexpected wash of defeat. Of absolute exhaustion and nausea. Isn’t it always the way? You prepare for the worst, and when the worst happens, the preparations go away to nothing.
For a moment, they are quiet. Taking in what they have been told. I see Bill joining up the dots. Understanding that perhaps Anna has always been dangerous, and that I still choose to leave her alone with Peggy; and I let her be alone with Betty; and that I have never had any control over her at all. I could have left that lie in Kilmarra. That was the plan, wasn’t it? But I can’t take it back now. They heard me.
I expect to be hit. I expect to be pushed down into the soil and kicked and left. But Bill stays calm.
‘Go down and get dressed, pet, and we’ll follow you.’
He tells Betty. I expect he will want to speak more frankly when she goes. It isn’t fair to make her go down to the house on her own. But Betty goes.
