Could I be one of the disappearing men? Tom O’Leary, vanishing into nothing but a handful of memories, held by so few people. And when those people die, this version of me would die with them. All ties to Kilmarra. All ties to Ballycrea. To my family, to everything. Let go of all the weight I have been holding, and leave. Imagine.
‘Did you ever hear of fireflies? They have them in America. Little insects that light up. Imagine, even their insects are glowing.’
He is lit up like one of those fireflies. And while the words are racingup my throat to accept his offer, I stop when I picture myself leaving. As I go, Jack, Anna and Peggy all crumble to the ground. Unable to stand without me. Unable to carry on.
‘It isn’t that I want to see the back of you, but I want better for you. Do you understand me?’
What would happen to the three of them if I left? Jack would disappear next, he would of course. Leaving Anna to unleash herself. Leaving the past to come into the light. Leaving Peggy without a chance. Peggy has already caused so much damage, it would be a waste to see her amount to nothing.
Would he think I was pathetic if I told him that I’d be afraid to go to New York on my own? If I told him, now that I’ve found him, I don’t ever want to be without him. Do I leave, and pull myself along to glory; or stay, and keep the rest of them from damnation?
‘You’re so good to think of me, Bill, but I don’t know could I go, and leave the family.’
When I die, it will be here, as Tom O’Leary, stuck in a cluster of siblings who will all no doubt draw their last breath at the same time as me. And while I may never make my fortune or achieve my ambition, at least I’ll have some control. Now, wasn’t this supposed to be my evening, with nothing to worry about?
Bill isn’t satisfied with my hastiness to decide.
‘Ah, Tom. You’ll think about it.’
Okay Dad.
Back in Kilmarra, I would have taken this chance in my teeth and run off with it. How I want to be that selfish. Would Daddy be more disappointed in me rejecting the offer, or leaving the family? Bill tries to lighten the mood by offering me one of the Moores’ pups.
‘For Peggy, of course. They’re old enough to be away from their mother now, and she’s mad for the animals.’
My head is spinning. The last thing I need is for that child to have a dog, wrecking the garden, disturbing the pony and barking all night. But I tell him I’ll think about that, too.
The weight of my own potential. The fear of a freedom. Doesn’t every silver lining come with a big, dark cloud?
Jack
‘IT’LL BE YOU TURNING THIRTYnext.’
Teresa says to me, smiling as though she has known me all my life and it’s funny to see me getting older. I would like to put my hand through her hair. Cinnamon-coloured, somehow cinnamon-scented.
‘It will, please god.’
Imagine, she’s right. I will be thirty. How little I have to show for it.
I meet her eyes, each an island universe, and I see that I don’t just want her carnally; I want the heart of her. I want to start meeting her at the crossroads, taking her arm and bringing her into town. To introduce her to Peggy. To start over again, with her. Teresa would let me take her arm. She would let me take everything. It’s always been a case of taking. But suddenly, I want to give.
‘Do you think you’ve the patience to put up with me, Teresa?’
I ask, taking a chance. She puts her hand around mine once more, taking the glass back and finishing the drink.
‘I think I have.’
She looks me right in the eyes, inviting me into her universes. I hope she is right.
I look around the room for Peggy. It’s time she met Teresa properly. But where is she? I wonder if Teresa would take to her, the way that you took to her. I remember the glow of fire on your face as you litthe fruitcake on Christmas Day. Your careful steps towards the table, cutting a little piece for Peggy, and laughing as she ran outside to spit it out. Another woman would have been embarrassed. But you thought it was funny. You wouldn’t let Peggy feel embarrassed. I need to know that Teresa would treat her with the same kindness. The brandy in the fruitcake. The heat in the flame. Peggy is the best in everything. And she needs a good woman in her life.
Tom
PART OF ME WANTS TOgo back into the party, so I don’t have to think any more about Bill’s offer. A part of me wants to stand here with him, forever, talking gently in the quiet of the night.
‘Listen, Bill, I’m so grateful for the offer. I’ll always thank you for it.’
It’s getting cold. He cuts me off.
