‘We’ll be there, won’t we, Jack?’
I could terrorise myself with all the awful eventualities of the dance before answering. Or I could just agree now, because I know that I will end up agreeing no matter what.
‘We will, please god.’
Tom hops up, suddenly alive.
‘Oh, we will! Dancing and drinking and all that carry-on, ’tis good for the soul.’
Teresa is taken aback. I suppose she hasn’t seen too much of Tom yet.
‘’Twould lighten us all up, I suppose.’
Bill says, as though we really need it. As though he knows what we need.
Then Tom claps his hands together, delighted that I am on his side. As though I have ever really gone against him. I feel I need to turn to Teresa and ask her if she’s going. I don’t want her to feel like she’s just watching a conversation, especially when I came in here looking for her company.
‘This will be good craic now. A bit of ruaille buaille. There might even be a bit of talent there.’
Tom says, and immediately blushes, realising Teresa can hear. I’m sure he wants to apologise to Bill more than he wants to apologise to her.
‘You’ll be there, will you, Teresa?’
I ask, and she taps the ash off her cigarette, our eyes meeting.
‘I suppose I will be.’
Anna
JUST AS I DRIFT OFFto sleep, I swear I register the sound of a scream. Far-off, like it’s wiping past the house, but I swear I hear it. It follows me into a white-blonde dream, this dulled, drawn-out noise. And as I am waking, it almost wakes with me. Becoming more real, a sound so true I could hold it in my hands. But when I look around, I see Peggy and Jack have slept through it. Perhaps there was no scream at all. Perhaps you just want some attention. Are you jealous of my new life?
Then comes silence, and a bright morning. The brightest I have seen this year. The sun has burst across a pale sky. Slowly, wildflowers bud, and the tight beginnings of berries build up the hedges. A chorus of birds sing. And Betty pushes her bicycle up my path. Her blue coat and hat soaking up the light. These days, these moments and seconds, coming from nowhere without warning and filling me with an infinity of reasons to keep going. How violently quick my spirit has been uplifted. It begins with her fingers tapping on the window, on my heart, and her voice calling in the door. A bag of stale bread in the basket of her bicycle. Cooing at Peggy as though she is younger than nine.
‘Peggy! Come on and we’ll feed the ducks.’
There at the window, she reminds me of myself. Always looking in. I don’t even get angry at Peggy for the look she throws me when I followthem. She takes Betty’s hand, and I wonder if she’s showing off. What I wouldn’t give to take Betty’s hand. To tell her how she uplifts me. To tell her that she has made my future soft and inviting, where once it was just a far-off and impalpable threat. But I say nothing, and follow them closely.
Betty starts telling us about a man who called to them a few nights ago, with a big horoscope chart. He could read her past or future using the stars.
‘It’s all to do with your time of birth, I think. It’s a science, so he said.’
He was telling Betty and Bill about their own tendencies and proclivities, as though they didn’t know themselves. He told them parts of their future that they couldn’t guess at. Parts of their past that he shouldn’t have been able to guess at. Isn’t that interesting? Just another memory that I am not a part of; I hate missing out on these things, even when I fear all of my stars would have been void.
At the lake, Betty gets down to Peggy’s height, pointing out a patch of reeds, lifting her dress and letting the bare skin of her knees become dirty with the earth. Isn’t she wonderfully uncouth? See her fingers working, ripping the heel of the bread into pieces for Peggy, who drops them into the water. What a gift, to have such a surplus you can allow the bread to go bad. I never felt so grand. Here are the ducks. Amn’t I a lucky girl, in a lucky position? To have Betty Nevan elevating me above my own class. Right now, I am so much more than Anna O’Leary. These big, almost oppressive happinesses come on so fast and so strong. I wonder is it Betty bringing them on? When I am with her, I feel I am floating and firmly on the ground at the one time. A big feeling. An almighty feeling. You cannot imagine what this is like. I feel like I came out of the sun to be here. For the first time in so long, I feel the winter is behind me.
‘You’re going down to the hall next Friday, I assume?’
Oh, every word she utters is an injection of energy into my blood. Do you know what I like so much about Betty? She isn’t just humouring me. I can tell that she really likes me.
‘I can’t go. I’ve no one to look after herself.’
I say, nodding at Peggy, who seems frightfully close to falling into the lake. Betty draws her back with a hand. How gentle she is.
‘Sure drop her down to Minnie Keane. She’ll have a few in with her that night, she won’t mind at all.’
Solving problems as though they aren’t problems at all. Everything is easy for Betty. How lucky I am that she wants to solve my problems. How lucky I am to spend my afternoons with her, breathing in her Imperial Leather.
Would it be bizarre to go down to the dance on my own, without the boys? To enjoy a night by myself, as myself? Imagine, doing something on my own.
