Peggy scrapes her fork along the plate. Tom flinches.
‘I lovedThe Riordans,the best thing on television at the moment.’
‘Well, I sold most of the land years ago, ’tis only a very small farm I keep now.’
Rain pelts against the windows.
‘Did ye see Lemass went off to meet himself in Belfast?’
‘What’s the pony’s name, Peggy?’
Everything they’re saying glides past me, faster than I can manage.
‘Christ almighty, when I saw that fence knocked.’
‘This isn’t cooked at all.’
Little Peggy is the last to speak. It all comes upon me. They all have so much to say, so loudly and so close together. They always have opinions. I’m never allowed to have an opinion. I’m never allowed to be right. They expect me to be a mother, but only give me the respect of a sister. They are all allowed to tell me how they feel, with no regard for how I feel. Before I know it, I have stood up from the table, and I growl at Peggy.
‘Don’t eat so!’
Betty’s hand covers her mouth, and they let me sit in the silence of what I have said. Tom’s eyes are black; he might jump across the table at me. Instead, he waits for an inevitable surge of shame to take me, for the collection of thoughts, the apology.
I always say sorry, if they wait long enough. But they won’t say sorry for provoking me. Watch. They don’t even consider that they might have pushed me. It seems they are always, always looking for an apology, for me to take the blame and make everything better. I have to laugh, or I’ll look mad. Slowly, I lower myself back onto my chair.
‘I never cooked a fish before. Not once!’ I giggle, hoping it will all seem funny. ‘Sure how would any of us know that it’s cooked?’
Tom is the only one to speak. He puts a hand across the table for me to take, which, for the sake of my dignity, I feel I have to ignore. My god in heaven, was there ever such a disgraceful scene at a dinner party?
‘Sorry, Anna, it’s lovely.’
And suddenly, I am moved to take his hand. Such gorgeous warmth. Such a gentle soul. I hate to have startled him. I don’t want him to fall out with me.
‘Don’t eat it, pet, you’ll get sick. Sorry, lads, I’ll clean this away.’
And as I move to take the plates, Betty stands and takes charge, bringing over her cake tin.
‘I know what we’ll do; we’ll have the cake! Folks, life is too short not to have cake for our tea.’
She is laughing, like everything is fine. Maybe it is fine. Maybe it was funny, and I’m just too aware of myself. Loosen up, Anna, take a breath. I throw my eyes up and laugh at myself. It’s sometimes unnerving how quickly my moods can shift. I get up and put the water on to boil. Peggy bounces in her seat while Betty presents the cake, shaking off my outburst. In fairness to her, Peggy never gets too upset. Something in me wants to let everybody know that Daddy was dead with years when she was born. I don’t know why this thought comes to me. A shifting mood; ammunition, I think. We’ve had a few discussions about whether we should tell Peggy all this. While I think it might do her good to know the truth, Jack says it’s best not to have a child know just how extravagant their original sin is.
‘’Tis all fish here, isn’t it? I suppose I better get used to cooking it.’
I hoot with laughter. It’s best to keep it all light and nice, and not pay attention to Peggy, in case she brings something bad out of me.
And then Betty gives me the biggest, warmest smile. She saved me this evening. It would have been easy for her to walk out with Bill and tell the whole parish that I am a madwoman. But she is kind, and gentle, and she brought cake.
‘You wouldn’t come up to ours with Tom this evening? I might show you a few tricks.’
She asks, winking, smiling, glowing, and handing me a plate of her cake.
‘You know, I heard in Japan they eat all their fish raw. Did you ever hear that?’
Bill asks, trying to make us all feel better. Aren’t they good? I breathe in all the fresh, bright air she brought into my cottage. This evening, I’d follow Betty anywhere.
Tom
WE STAND FACING THE FENCE,myself and Bill. The rain turns to wet mist around us, cold air holds onto me. It looks like it was flattened by an animal, whatever happened to the fence. I don’t want to ask.
