And maybe more?
I want to show him that the times we spent together were meaningful to me, too.
“We did that project. At your house,” I find myself saying. “The Ancient Egyptian one?”
He picks up an antelope saltshaker, grinning. “I had to give MarlinaandAna my allowance money that week. Otherwise they would have never left us alone.”
He’s not even bothering to hide how he felt before. I set down another key and look at him.
“Alex—”
“I know.” He adjusts his beanie—his nervous habit. “I know you didn’t feel the same way about me, but it’s not like I was very subtle.”
I shake my head, confused. “I just—I don’t get it.”
He looks amused. “I didn’t think my feelings were that complex.”
I take a deep breath. There isn’t a better time than now.
“No, I mean, I wasn’t a good friend. Back in middle school? I hurt you. I knew you liked me, and I didn’t even acknowledge it. And I never replied to that text you sent before I left for Portland. I feel like I always mishandled your feelings. Even after not hearing from me for so long, you’re still here, being a really good friend to me. It’s more than I deserve.”
I don’t expect him to appear surprised, but he does.
“Says who?”
Now I’m confused. “What?”
“Who says it’s more than you deserve?”
Is he trying to make this hard for me? I grow frustrated. “You weren’t the only one I stopped texting when I left. I didn’t even keep in touch with Raegan or Lin or Whitney, and Whitney’sstillmad about it.”
“Kira.” His voice is serious now. Quiet. “You were going through a really hard time. Of course, I understood why you didn’t text me back.”
I look up at him. His face is sincere.
“After I sent it, I honestly thought it was an unfair thing to do to you. You had enough to deal with already.” He leans against the crate. “Plus, isn’t Whitney dating Jay now? I don’t get why she’s mad at you when she would do something like that knowing what you were going through.”
This is something I’d thought about, too, but I thought it was selfish of me. It’s not like my friends had ditched me. They were constantly trying to make me feel included even though I was thousands of miles away. Couldn’t they understand why it was hard for me? And yeah, maybe it was unfair that Whitney didn’t tell me about Jay, but I always thought we’d had a solid friendship—one that boys and bouts of silence couldn’t break.
But it’s not Whitney who understood that. It’s Alex.
“I was going to ask you to Sadie’s freshman year,” I admit.
“Really?” Alex blurts, disbelieving.
“Yeah. Until Lacey did.”
“And you went with Jay.”
He doesn’t say it in an accusatory way. He’s stating a simple fact.
I nod. “Yeah.”
We stare at each other for a moment. I wonder where we’d be if we could rearrange bits of our past. If he said no to Lacey. If he said yes to me. If I replied to his texts. If I kept in touch with my friends.
If, if, if.
We’re quiet as we exit Memaw’s, but I can’t stop thinking of what he said. Am I justified in my feelings of annoyance toward Whitney? Don’t I have a right to be upset with her for hiding such a big secret from me?
