I take a short break to massage my wrist, but being a leftie my elbow accidentally knocks into Jay’s. He looks up at me. Today he’s wearing a pale blue polo shirt under his letterman jacket. (Mr. Densick likes to crank up the AC so no one falls asleep. Freezing us out seems like the better option to him, apparently.) It’s a good color on him. I think I’ve told him that before. Then I wonder if he’s wearing it because I’ve told him that before.
I force those thoughts to an abrupt halt. No. I am not going there. I’m a better friend than that.
Sorry,I mouth, then point to my limp writing hand.
Jay smiles, then shrugs. He makes sure Mr. Densick is preoccupied with talking about the current slide on the board before flipping open a fresh sheet of paper in his notebook. He draws a tiny hangman game in the corner. There are twenty spaces for letters underneath it. Then he raises his eyebrows at me, hinting I should play along.
I freeze. This is the second time he’s initiated this in class. It doesn’t help that he looks immaculate today. His short brown hair is styled, like he took time this morning doing it. I tell myself not to look at his most attractive features (eyes, lips, hands) because Ihaveto put a stop to the fluttering inside me.
At the top of the hangman Jay writesMOVIESin block letters.
Okay. This is not a big deal. I keep building it up because I want it to mean more than it should. But to Jay, it’s just a way to pass time in class. Besides, we’re friends. And I’m supposed to be in the process of reconnecting our friendship, according to step 6 on my list.
I shift my spiral over an inch so he can read.A?I guess.
Jay fills twoA’s in the blank spaces.
“Who can tell me,” Mr. Densick is saying, “What the very first agreement for self-government in America was called? We went over this yesterday.”
“Mayflower Compact,” Jay calls out.
“Thank you Mr. Valenski, but next time please raise your hand.” Mr. Densick writesMayflower Compactin huge letters on the board. “I would highly advise you to familiarize yourself with this.”
I go back through my notes and put a star next to where I’ve written about the Mayflower Compact. I flip back over to my page and guess:T?
Jay grins. There are threeT’s.
His movie ends up beingThe Fast and the Furious,which I guess near the end, but I stump him withShrek. We play back and forth for the rest of class, stopping occasionally to scribble important information from Mr. Densick’s slides.
With ten minutes of class left, Jay draws up another hangman board. On the top he writesNAMES.
I guessO, I, E, T, S, D,andAbefore I finally lose. Right before the bell rings, Jay fills the rest of the blanks in for me:Kira Kay.
I don’t realize I’m smiling until Jay looks at me. I try not to read into it, but how can I not? That was his old nickname for me. The nickname he gave mewhen we were going out. But we arenotgoing out anymore. So why would he write that?
The bell rings. It seems to jolt Jay from his thoughts, and he slams his notebook shut with more force than necessary. He doesn’t look my way once as he gathers up his things and leaves the classroom.
I run into Whitney as I’m walking to my car after Wavettes practice.
“Oh!” she says, after nearly colliding with me as she cuts through a row of cars. I’d gone to the locker room to change into my purple boatneck top and jeans, but she’s still wearing her red Wavettes tank top and black dance pants. I thought she’d left by now, but maybe she stayed after to talk to Jay. “Um. Sorry.”
It’s the first time we’ve been alone together since making posters at Raegan’s house. She looks distracted, like she’d rather be anywhere else. I think back to my twelve steps. I know I have to try to make amends for the both of us, and I know it won’t be easy. She’s made that much perfectly clear. But I have to keep trying for the sake of our friendship.
“Hey, so,” I start. “I was thinking, do you maybe want to hit up the mall before Breck’s thing on Saturday?”
Cedarville’s mall is nothing spectacular, but when we were in middle school we spent way too much time there. We’d split an overpriced cone from Häagen-Dazs and spend the rest of the time wandering in and out of stores only to end up watching guys from the high school at the indoor skate park.
“My mom’s making me go to my grandpa’s birthday brunch,” she says.
Disappointment drapes over me. “Oh, well—”
She looks toward her car. “I should get home.”
“Okay.” I give her a small wave as she begins to head in that direction. “See you.”
Just like that, I am dismissed. It hurts more than I want it to.
I’d told Lin what happened in Raegan’s kitchen on Saturday, and she’d told me to give her time. But a part of me was angry. I know I’d been unresponsive, but she wasn’t exactly Miss Communicative when she started dating Jay.
