I expect my natural reflexes to rise and wait for my body to go into panic mode, but it doesn’t. After confiding in Lin, I’d also told Whitney and Raegan about the recoverees, and neither of them saw a need for concern. They agreed that if everyone in the house was only helping and supporting each other, there wasn’t a reason to worry. At this point, that fear has dissolved. I have nothing to hide.
“Wallis!” Nonnie says, poking her head outside. Her rainbow shawl billows around her neck. “Get back here, you naughty thing.”
“Sorry,” Saylor says to Jay as he attempts to usher the dog back inside. “He’s still learning how to control his excitement toward other humans.”
“That’s okay,” Jay replies. “I was about to take off, anyway.”
“Saylor, Nonnie.” I gesture beside me. “This is my friend, Jay.”
“Great to meet you,” Nonnie says, extending a hand. “There’s a ton of food here if you want to join.”
“Actually, I should get home. But thank you.”
Saylor nods. “Of course. Nice to meet you.”
When the door closes, he turns back to me. “Your dad is doing okay, then?”
“He is.” It feels good to admit it. “More than okay, actually.”
“It’s nice to see him having friends over. Being social and all.”
“They’re friends from the Sober Living place. His fellow recoverees.” Explaining this to Jay doesn’t feel like a huge deal after telling my friends.
“And you’re fine with them being here?”
“Yeah.” It wouldn’t have been my answer a month ago, but it’s true. “They’re good people.”
Jay’s expression softens, and I’m relieved to see he doesn’t seem apprehensive. “Seems like it.”
For the first time in a long time, I feel positive about things. I’m not tempted to escape the confines of the house, and somehow—even with everyone here—it’s begun to feel more like home.
I don’t mind that I have every lyric onQueen’s Greatest Hitsmemorized. I don’t mind the small gasps Peach makes during the most predictable moments ofCrime Bosswhen she sits down to watch with my dad and me, and I don’t mind when I find Saylor quietly meditating in the middle of our dismantled living room, making odd humming noises. Because Saylor helps me with my English essays even though he doesn’t have to and Peach does my laundry because she knows my schedule is crazy during football season and Nonnie shows me wild pictures from her old life in New York.
It’s nice to have people showing they care about you.
Maybe they’re not perfect, but they’re not encouraging bad behavior. And even though I don’t quite understand it, they’re recovering together. I can see the light in my dad’s eyes every time they admit their Small Successes at dinnertime and how he’s trying, really trying, to make this easy on me.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad that I’m part of it.
Jay’s giving me a sideways glance.
“What?”
“Nothing. I don’t know. You just look happy, I guess.”
I turn to the closed door. When I go back inside, I know I’ll be greeted with a slightly charred hamburger bun and Nonnie’s awful dance moves and the gleam in my father’s eye when he tells everyone I helped him make his World-Famous Potato Salad. I find myself wanting to go. To be part of it.
“Yeah.” I feel my lips pull into a smile. “I think I am.”
THIRTY EIGHT
WHETHER IT’S OUT OF FEARor discomfort, Jay eats lunch with the rest of the basketball team on Monday. Breck joins him, which makes Colton the only guy at our table. He hardly seems to notice, paying more attention to the music in his headphones than our conversation.
“He’sthe one making it weird,” Whitney interjects, her gaze over at the basketball table. “I told him nobody here would care.”
I don’t offer up the fact that he came over yesterday. It doesn’t change anything—it’s not as if we’re getting back together.
Raegan waves a hand in the air. “It’ll blow over. You guys were basically in the same place, anyway.”
