Lin adjusts the collar of her daisy-covered blouse, suddenly growing quiet. I can tell something else is on her mind. Or is it me? Maybe Ishouldhave texted her sooner. I guess I expected things would naturally pick up where they left off.
When she pulls into the parking lot, I’m relieved to see a sea of people I know. Familiar faces! Recognizable territory! I never thought I would be so happy to see the plain brick walls of this school again.
Lin parks, but she doesn’t get out right away. “Um,” she starts, her voice hesitant. “Before we go in… there’s something you should know.”
Lin is suddenly serious. Lin isneverserious. Well, except when she’s running through her decathlon flashcards. I wonder if she’s worried that I won’t be in National Honor Society with her. I’m pretty confident I can bring my grades up this year. That’s the plan, anyway. Or maybe she thinks I won’t be rejoining Earth Club? But that’s ridiculous. We had tons of fun freshman year.
“What is it?” I finally ask.
“Whitney… kindofstarteddatingJay.”
She says this all in a rush, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I feel my jaw go slack. No. I can’t have heard her right. My hearing must be temporarily impaired from Queen’s greatest hits blasting through the hall this morning.
I stare at her. Her expression hasn’t changed.
“She—what?”
Lin turns off the Explorer, but she doesn’t look at me when she repeats it. “She started dating Jay.”
My heart sinks like a brick in a bathtub. That absolutely cannot be right. Whitney used to make fun of Jay’s buck teeth in sixth grade, and then she made fun of the crush I developed on him freshman year. It seemed like she only approved of him because he made the basketball team. But, to be fair, this did put him on the radar for a lot of girls at school.
That’s why I know she wouldneverin a million years date Jay. I mean, he’s my boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend. But still. Isn’t that girl code or something?
“How did—wow.” I shake my head. I’m pissed. Did they not think I was ever going to come back? “I can’t believe she’d do that.”
“Well,” I catch the defense in her voice, “I mean, youdidbreak up with him. Before you left and all.”
There’s hurt in her words, as if I moved to Portland and left everyone behind because it was my choice.
“I never wanted to break up with him. What was I supposed to do? Make it long distance?” She knows how I felt about that. Evensheagreed it wouldn’t work. “I didn’t know when I was coming back.”
“So you can’t really be surprised that he moved on,” she argues.
My stomach feels like it’s been drenched in battery acid. I understand her point, but I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.
Lin sighs. “Look, I’m sorry. I know it sucks.”
“Nobody was going to tell me?” I wonder how long they’ve been together without me knowing. Does he hold her hand in the dark movie theater and make tiny circles on the inside of her palm? Do they send each other good night texts? Have they made out? Or worse—
I swallow. No. I can’t think about that.
“It’s not like you told us anything, either.” Lin folds her arms. “After you left, you pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. You never replied to our texts or answered our calls or anything. It was like you were suddenly too cool for us.”
Hurt creases Lin’s features. She’s not wrong. I did stop replying, but only because it hurtmetoo much to see them moving on without me.
I’d sulked alone in my misery when Lin texted me details from homecoming. The pictures that Raegan and Whitney would send from dance practice made me physically ache. The “we miss you” group texts that came through when they got together at the mall on weekends made me seethe with jealousy. I wanted to be there so badly, and I thought distancing myself would make the pain easier to deal with. Turns out, it just made me a crappy friend.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly.
Lin shrugs. She won’t look at me.
“I am. I never thought I was too cool for you guys. It was just hard seeing you have fun without me. I didn’t know how to deal.”
Lin picks at her light-pink nail polish. “I guess I understand that. The whole situation with your dad… it sucked.”
Lin was with me the morning I got the call from the police station. We’d been in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls per our usual tradition when she spent the night. My dad wasn’t home, but I didn’t think twice about it. He’d been drinking less the last two weeks, which was why I asked Lin to spend the night in the first place. I assumed he was on a coffee run.
When the officer told me to come down to the station, I panicked. My anxiety levels skyrocketed, and I couldn’t process anything else he was saying. But Lin gently took the phone from me and when she hung up, she told me we needed to go. All I could think wasplease don’t be dead, please don’t be dead.I’d already lost Grams. I couldn’t imagine losing anyone else.
