“Yeah, years ago. Things change, or haven’t you noticed?”
Daddy’s nostrils flared before he took a heavy gulp from his drink. He sat it down slowly, then calmly said, “I need you athome during college to take care of Cara for me. I don’t have the time to cart her everywhere.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” Cara slipped in.
“Cara?” I barked, clearly not feeling the calm vibe Daddy tried to fill the room with. “That’s your excuse? I’m not her parent, you are.”
Daddy narrowed his eyes.
“I’d thought about commuting to Auburn, but that was also when I was ten and wanted to be a vet. Things. Change. Do you even know what I want to go to school for? Have you ever bothered to ask about anything? About how we’re handling life?”
“Cal …”
“Cal, what?”
“I don’t have time to get into this—”
“That’s right,” I interrupted. “You never have time because you never make time. It’s little wonder why Momma left, but Cara and I don’t get out that easy.”
When Daddy got to his feet, I was already on mine. “You are way out of line, Calvin. What’s between me and your momma is none of your business.”
“Are you serious? You’ve made it my business. Cara’s too. We know every fuckin’ thing about your business. You won’t shut up about it, and neither will Momma. The only time we ever hear from either of you is when you’re bitchin’ about each other.”
“Go to your room,” Daddy snapped. “I’ll not be disrespected in my own house like this.”
I threw my napkin down and slid my chair out of the way with a scrape across the floor. “Software engineer, just so you know. I want to create software and applications, maybe video games. I want to get out of this fuckin’ town and away fromyou.”
With the final word, I rushed from the table before he could see the tears and tore off to my room, slamming the door because I could.
Fuck him.
Fuck. Him.
I slumped to the floor with my back against the bed and let the emotions fall like rain.
No matter how mad I’d been, I shouldn’t have shouted at him. Cara had been uncomfortable, bowing her head near the end, and it had solved nothing. I swallowed hard and tilted my head against the mattress. Exploding like that shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone, least of all me. The good guy was bound to have a breaking point. Was this mine?
The joints in my hands ached from being clenched tightly. I shouldn’t have yelled at Daddy. Breath left my lungs in a rush as shame settled in. I was better than that, or I always had been.
Fuck, it was just all this shit. Sasha, my parents, the fights in school, I never got a break. I was always fuckingon. No one listened. Everyone expected something from me, and it was getting hard to know what it was. Or maybe I knew, and it was getting harder to be the person they thought I was.
I didn’t want to let anyone down. What Daddy said had been valid. He was busy and needed help with Cara, but Jesus, why did that mean I had to put myself on hold? Momma wasn’t that far away. Why couldn’t she pick up the slack and beMommaagain?
I opened my eyes and swiped at them. Crying on the floor wasn’t solving anything either, that was for damned sure. “Fuuuck. God, I don’t need this shit.”
Do you ever feel like this is it, this is the moment when you’re going to blow the fuck up, just implode your whole life?
The words sat unsent. One small move of my thumb, and they’d be gone, delivered to the one person I wanted to soothe the ache right now and hated that I did.
Was this last interaction with Jack my limit on sanity?
With a huff, I deleted the message, dropped my phone to the floor, and closed my eyes as pressure pounded behind them.
Our last game was tomorrow. We hadn’t made state or even regionals. It’d be the last time I’d run out on that field as a high school football star. The last time I’d probably ever be truly good at something, cheered on, congratulated, but it’d be empty. On the inside, under that helmet and hiding in those pads, would be a fucked-up version of me.
Confused and aimless.
Andnosurprise,welost.
