“It’s a Cupid party.”
Fuckme.
I glanced across my display of battery operated boyfriends, BOB for short, and they were all on life support. My favorite, the bright green one, with a large ripply shaft and little nubs on the end, was the worst off. My best friend, Lizzy, bought it for me when I was going through a monster smut kick. She thought it would make me feel like I was fucking a monster.
I guess I won’t be using any of you tonight! I grabbed my phone off the dresser and flipped open the Let’s Mingle app. At Christmas, I signed up for a one year subscription because I was drunk and the ad rhymed. Jingle, Jingle, Let’s Mingle!
I’m a sucker for ads that rhyme. And gift with purchase. It could explain why I have a bar cabinet full of random liqueurs and fifty different martini glasses. Christmas is the best time of year to buy alcohol because of all the deals. Did I need all that liquor? No. But I was sad and wanted to be drunk. My favorite is the no stem martini glass with a pair of beady eyes at the bottom looking at you. Seriously, what was I thinking?
As soon as the app opens, the bubble beside my name turns green and my phone dings.
Eight new matches.
I quickly flip through them all, but nothing catches my eye. I close the app and dial Lizzy, who picks up on the first ring.
“Bitch, you were supposed to call two hours ago!” She yells into the phone, bass thumping loudly behind her.
I pulled the phone away from my ear for a second. “I’m calling now.”
“Are you coming tonight?”
“I hope so.” I look longingly at Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob.
“What? To the Valentine’s party.” She yells again, before she lets out a squeal. “Tony says you should totally come. He has a friend he wants you to meet.”
I rolled my eyes. That was the entire reason I didn’t want to go play third wheel at whatever club they were at. Not only did I think it was a stupid holiday created by jewelry companies to squeeze money out of men who were buying jewelry to apologize for not being present enough the rest of the year, but I didn’t want to be set up.
I was old enough I should be in a stable, committed relationship, but that didn’t really seem like it was in the future for me. The longest relationship I had was my last, which was fourteen months. I really thought we were going somewhere, and apparently he did too, with three other women. It’s been six months since our official break up, so now I’ve become the natural pet project for most of my friends and Lizzy, being the biggest pusher of them all.
Her and Tony have been in a relationship for three months and one day. I know this because we had to go out yesterday for her to find a special outfit for their three-month anniversary. We ended up at Le Rousso’s, the local kink shop, because she wanted something extra spicy. When she caught me looking at their vibrator collection, she tried to buy me another one, which I declined, but am now regretting. She then insisted I come to this Valentine’s party tonight.
I lied and said I had plans because I thought I did. I glared at my toys. Traitors!
“You know you don’t have to set me up. I’m totally fine being single right now. I love the fact I’m getting to meet people.”
“You were staring at a wall of dildos yesterday. How many people could you be meeting?” Fortunately, it seemed she had stepped outside because the music was quieter and she was no longer yelling.
“It’s always good to have variety.”
“Of men. Not dildo’s.”
“I beg to disagree.”
“Girl. Come on. I know you’re not doing anything tonight. You hate this holiday, so come and hang out with your friends and get wasted.”
“It’s a valentine’s party. You want me to go to a party celebrating the holiday I hate?”
She laughed. “When you say it like that, it does sound bad! I want you to come hang out with your BFF at a dance club and possibly go home with someone new. I’m just trying to help you get some. Isn’t that what a wing lady is supposed to do?”
“Fine. I’ll be there in a little bit. Text me the address.”
“Wait. You need to dress up.”
“Dress up?”
“Yes. It’s a cupid party.”
“What the fuck is a cupid party?”
