“That was nothing,” I say. “She was asking about practice and the ball, about whether I was going, and I—” With a sigh, I reach up and smooth a hand over my hair. “I barely even remember the conversation.” Shaking my head, I ask, “What does that have to do with us?”
“Because she used to mean something to you.” Poppy’s voice is even smaller now. I get the feeling she’s having a hard time saying the words, even if it’s so clear to me thatshe needs to. “And she’s beautiful and confident and... and not anything like me.”
“Thank the goddess for that,” I say. “Because I don’t want her, Brains. I want you.”
Her eyes flick up to meet mine, and the shimmering in them has turned to glassiness, tears starting to build along her bottom lashes. “But for how long?” Her voice wobbles on the last word. “How long until you decide this was a mistake? How long until the distance next year becomes too much and you find someone else in Faunwood, someone who’s actually there instead of—”
“Stop.” I reach across the table and offer her my hand. She looks at it, hesitates, and then slowly slides her palm into mine. She’s trembling. “That’s not going to happen, Poppy.”
“You don’t know that,” she whispers.
“I do know that. And I know I’ve been a terrible boyfriend lately—I know I’ve been distracted and absent and I keep fucking things up—but it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I’m terrified.” The words tumble over one another to get out, messy and rushed.
She stares at me, tears still gathering in her beautiful lavender eyes. “Terrified of what?”
“Of failing.” My voice breaks as the truth comes out. “Of not being good enough. Of losing the apprenticeship before I even get it. Of disappointing everyone who’s ever believed in me.” I have to stop and breathe because my chest feels too tight. “And of losing you.”
“Then why do you keep pushing me away?” she asks, and there’s so much pain in her voice that it makes me want totug her into my chest and cradle her head against my heart and never let go.
“I’m not trying to push you away. I thought—” I struggle to explain, to make her understand. “I thought I was helping. When I said you didn’t need to tutor me anymore, I meant you didn’t need to waste your time on me when you have so much else going on. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“It felt like you were saying that you don’t need me anymore. That I’d served my purpose and now we’re done.”
“That’s not—Poppy, no. That’s not what I meant at all.”
“But that’s what it felt like.” She pulls her hand out of mine and wraps her arms around herself. Despite the heat in the library from the fire roaring in the big hearth, she looks cold. “And then you kept canceling on me and missing our planned times together, and I just... I felt like I was watching you slip away. Like you were already halfway to Faunwood in your mind, already moving on to the next chapter of your life without me.” She sniffles, and though she turns her face away, I see as a single tear rolls down her cheek.
“I’m not moving on,” I say desperately. “I’m drowning. I’m barely sleeping, I can’t focus, I’m so exhausted I can’t think straight half the time, and every time I try to talk to you, I make it worse because my brain won’t work properly anymore.” I curl my hand into a fist. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit unfair about all this?”
She’s quiet for a long moment, arms wrapped around herself, her body angled away from me at the small table. And I can see it happening—can see her building up walls, protecting herself from more hurt. From the hurtIcause.
Finally, she shrugs one shoulder and says, so quietly I almost miss it, “Maybe... Or maybe we were just fooling ourselves.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut. “What?”
“Maybe this was always just...” She can’t seem to finish the sentence, but she doesn’t need to. I can see it written all over her face.
“Temporary?” I finish for her, and the word tastes bitter on my tongue. “You think what we have is temporary.”
“I didn’t—” She flicks her gaze to me, and I lean back, as if her words are a physical thing pushing me away. “Aric, I didn’t mean—”
“No, you’re right.” Something cold and hard settles in my chest, like ice forming over water. It reminds me of when Ma died, of how I learned to shield myself from the pain by trying to become numb to it all. “You’re absolutely right. I mean, why would you want to stay with someone who can’t even show up for you? Someone who’s so wrapped up in his own shit that he forgets how to be a decent boyfriend?”
“Stop it,” she says, her voice sharp now, lavender eyes narrowing even as tears continue to run from them. “Don’t twist my words.”
“I’m not twisting anything. You just said we were fooling ourselves.” It feels like something is breaking inside me, but I’m too exhausted to stop it, and I’m not even sure I know how. “If that’s what you think—if you think I’m already halfway out the door—then maybe you’re right. Maybe we should just call it now. Save ourselves the trouble of dragging it out.”
Her face crumples, fresh tears spilling over. “Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want anymore,” I say, voice losing steam. “I’m too tired to think. I can’t—” My voice cracks, and I clench my teeth, trying to center myself despite it feeling like my world is spinning out of control. “I can’t have this conversation right now, Poppy. Finals start tomorrow. I’m running out of time, and I’m trying to not completely fuck up my entire future, and I—”
“So, that’s it? You’re giving up? Just like that?”
“You gave up first,” I shoot back, and I hate how petty it sounds even as the words leave my mouth. “You said we were fooling ourselves.”
“I saidmaybe!” She’s crying openly now, not bothering to hide it. “I said maybe because I’m scared and confused and you’ve been treating me like I’m an obligation instead of someone you actually want to be with!”
“Of course I want to be with you!” The words burst out of me, loud and desperate. Several students turn to stare. I lower my voice to a harsh whisper. “But I’m failing, Poppy. Can’t you see that? I’m failing at everything—at being a good student, at being on the runeball team, at being your boyfriend. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to be what everyone needs me to be.”
