"I know," I whisper.
He walks over, climbs into my lap, and purrs against my chest.
I close my eyes and try to breathe, try to remember what my therapist said about grounding techniques. Five things I can see. Four things I can touch. Three things I can hear.
But all I can feel is those hands on my waist. All I can hear is that voice in my ear.
All I can think is that I'm never going to be okay again.
I don't know how long I've been sitting here. Could be minutes. Could be hours. Time doesn't work right anymore.
Eventually, I get up, change into sweatpants and a t-shirt, and climb into bed with Max still purring beside me.
The blade is under the sink. Waiting. Always waiting for the next time I'm not strong enough to resist it.
Tonight I resisted.
Tomorrow might be different.
But tonight, I didn't cut.
I lie here in the dark, Max's weight warm against my side, and think about the club. About those few minutes when I was actually dancing, actually feeling something other than this constant ache. About the way Emma looked at me when she said I deserved to have fun.
I pull the blanket up to my chin and close my eyes, but sleepdoesn't come; it just lies there out of reach while my mind replays every touch, every moment of panic, every second I stood frozen instead of fighting back.
Max shifts, pressing closer, and I focus on his purring, on the weight of him against my ribs, on the fact that I'm here in this bed and alive.
That has to count for something.
Even if it doesn't feel like much.
9
JACKSON
Tyler fucking West is coming to Hartford.
I'm staring at the text from Chase like it's written in a foreign language.
Chase
Tyler and Donny are in town this weekend. Want to grab dinner Saturday? Emma's excited to see them.
Of course she is. Emma and Tyler dated for three years when they were teenagers, broke up when he cheated, and somehow managed to become friends after all the mess. Tyler still plays for the Pinewood Bears, Chase's old team before he got traded to the Wolves.
Tyler's also a shit-stirrer. Always has been. The kind of guy who sees things other people miss and uses that information to cause chaos just to see what happens.
The last thing I need is Tyler West poking around while Maya's barely holding it together.
Me
Sure. Where?
Chase
That Italian place downtown. 6 p.m. Ethan's coming too because apparently he loves Tyler.
Great. Family dinner with my sister's ex-boyfriend, who has a talent for making everything complicated.
