I don't have an answer for that either.
Emma has finally started speaking to me.
We're at home. She's in the living room folding baby clothes, and I'm making coffee in the kitchen. Maya's upstairs, hiding from both of us.
"I'm going to the trial," Emma says.
I turn, coffee forgotten. She's not looking at me. Instead, she’s focused on a tiny onesie in her hands, but she's talking, and that's something.
"Okay."
"She's going to need someone there, and I'm not letting her go through that without me." Emma's jaw tightens, and I can see her fighting back tears. "Even if I'm furious with her."
"Emma..."
"I'm still angry, Jackson. Don't think this means I've forgiven either of you."
I lean against the counter, gripping the edge until my knuckles turn white. "I know."
"I just..." She stops, sets down the onesie, and finally looks at me. "She's my best friend. And she's about to relive the worst thing that ever happened to her in front of a room full of strangers. I'm not missing that."
I want to tell her how sorry I am, how much we've hated lying to her, but the words feel inadequate.
"Thank you," I say.
"Don't thank me. I'm not doing this for you."
She's lying, she's doing it for Maya, but she's also doing it for me. She knows what Maya means to me, because somewhere under the anger, she still cares.
"Can we talk?" I ask, taking a risk. "You, me, and Maya? Before the trial?"
"I don't know if I'm ready..."
"You don't have to forgive us, just hear us out. Please."
She's quiet for a long time. I can see her weighing it, deciding whether we deserve the chance.
"Fine. Tonight. After Ethan's in bed."
Bedtime came faster than I anticipated. Chase takes Ethan upstairs for bed, while Emma settles into the armchair, arms crossed, looking like she's bracing for a fight. Maya and I are on the couch, a careful distance between us like we're afraid to touch in front of her.
"Talk," Emma says.
I look at Maya. Her hands are twisted in her lap like she's trying to hold herself together. I take one of them and squeeze. Emma's eyes track the movement.
"I love her," I start, my voice steady even though my heart is racing. "This isn't casual, this isn't some fling. She's it for me."
"I know that," Emma says, and there's exhaustion in her voice. "I've known that for years. You think I didn't see the way you looked at her? The way you'd find excuses to be in the same room?"
That catches me off guard. "Then why are you angry?"
"Because you didn't trust me!" Her voice breaks. "You made that decision for me instead of letting me make it myself."
"We were scared," Maya says quietly.
"Of what?"
"Of losing you." Maya looks up, meeting Emma's eyes. "Of you making me choose between you and him, of everything falling apart."
