I know his relationship with Annette is bound to end in tragedy, but he told me this isn’t Shakespeare, it’s high school.
I told him high school’s almost over and it will be the real world soon enough, but he didn’t want to hear that, either. So, he’s still screwing Annette.
We haven’t talked since, not even a hello. Ginny and Dave complain our fight is affecting their social life because the four of us never hang out together anymore. And Ginny keeps trying to force a reconciliation, but I told her you can’t force things like this. Logan Wild can burn in hell as far as I’m concerned, and I don’t think I’m gonna change my mind anytime soon.
Logan bursts out laughing, and I do, too.
“You know I was never serious about Annette Wasper,” he says. “How could I be—you were the one I wanted.”
My cheeks burn. “We were just…you know…we still dated other people. Sort of.”
“Sort of.” He shifts, and I inhale the scent of his cologne.
Shit. I look back at my journal.
I graduated high school, and that was about as nondescript as I thought it would be. Logan and I both went to the class party afterward, and we avoided each other the whole night. I hooked up with Kenny Closer, and Logan was with Annette again, I think just to prove me wrong. But I saw her last week in the park with a new guy, and they were tongue wrestling. Of course, I didn’t bother to tell Logan this time.
I decided not to go to college; somebody needs to keep Daddy off the bottle, or at least, somebody needs to try.
All those rehabs trips to quit drinking and he can’t get it done? I know why. It’s the bar. How can he quit drinking when he’s ordering kegs of beer and vats of wine, not to mention all the vodka and whisky and tequila? And he likes it all. He’s not picky. Never was. Mama and I have been secretly discussing ousting him from his post, but Daddy’s stubborner than both of us, and I’m sure he’d outlast us all. He did allow me to take over the orders and the day-to-day stuff while he was gone, and I’ve still got the reins even though he’s back. It’s the only way I can think of to keep his mouth off that bottle.
So I’m working full-time now at the saloon. And I’m taking classes at the community college in north San Antonio. Just some business ones, finance and bookkeeping. Mama says math is very important for life.
Being out of school doesn’t feel as great as I thought it would. Don’t get me wrong, I love having no homework, but I feel a bit like a lost soul.
Logan and I finally made up after nine long months of our freeze. And we’ve made love once since then. It happened by chance, I suppose, although I don’t know that I can be that flighty about it. I always say I have no plans for it because it always does seem to sneak up on me, but I know I always want him, and I?—
I bite my lip before continuing.
And I probably always will.
Oh God. That sounds so terrible now that he’s engaged. I wish he’d say something…
Logan clears his throat. “Like you’ll always want Brad Pitt?”
I swallow. “Yeah. Exactly like that. You’re a poster on my wall, Logan. A childhood crush.” I glance down at the diary. “Oh, no. This is the part where…”
“The pasture,” he says instantly.
Where we did it not once, but twice.
The air changes instantly. But I don’t know how to stop reading without it looking worse. If I don’t continue, it will look like I’m hung up on him, but if I do read on?—
Good Lord. I have to just charge through.
Logan and Annette had finally broken up after too long of me having to look at her face. And I broke up with Jimmy after three months, which felt like three years, and he went back to his ex-girlfriend who’d never really left the picture, anyway. Suddenly, Logan and I were both single; well pretty much single. I was on and off seeing this recently-divorced man, Tedi, from San Antonio. It was going nowhere, and we both knew it even though he and his ex-wife were long over. But for some reason, I couldn’t break it off completely…Tedi’s fifteen years my senior with two kids, and Mama’s furious with me…she says I’m looking for a daddy in a lover, and I screamed at her about that, but inside I wonder if maybe she’s right.
Logan and I were at the Cowherd Whiskey after closing one night, just talking out on the picnic bench. He dared me to jump the fence and walk through his family’s ranch, cows and all. I knew the bull was in the back field, so I did it, and Logan followed me. We walked for a while…and I think I knew what was coming when he grabbed my hand and held it for the last bit of our walk.
When we got to the fence at the other end of town, I climbed up but Logan grabbed my leg and lifted me back down into the pasture and into his arms. We laid down on the grass for a long time, looking at each other and up at the sky. It was a new moon, pitch dark but for the stars, which were clear as day, and I kissed him first. I’m not usually so bold, but I was feeling so good.
I’ve never been one of those people who says ‘time flies’ because for me, it’s always been slow as molasses. And that’s fine by me. I like slow. I never want anything to go too quickly. Love, sex, moments, all of it.
Logan knows this better than anyone. When we were lying out in his daddy’s cow pasture, we kissed forever, and then we took even longer to take off all our clothes, and then when we made love it was just…forever never felt so good. I think people rush love. I think there’s a real art to taking your time, and letting each moment count. And when I’m with Logan like that, out in our hometown, and it’s just the two of us, it’s like we rule the world and nobody else matters.
Then, the next day, I went on another date with Tedi, and I don’t even know why, but I guess we’re exclusive now.
I can hardly look up. “I know we need this for some reason, but I think I should stop.”
