“J. Great to see you tonight.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Did you have fun with all your fans?”
Four beats of awkward silence would follow.
“I don’t want to know,” I’d say.
“Nothing happened that means anything.”
I believed him. I didn’t like things to mean too much either. Because that meant the fall could break me.
So I fooled around meaninglessly.
I liked dating guys I knew weren’t the real deal. I liked sleeping with them too.
I wanted a real relationship.
That was my end game.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t commit.
It was too scary.
I told Haley I’m not casual, but the whole truth is…
I can’t be casual with Jared.
Anyone else was fair game.
“Can I come pick you up?” he’d say.
“I’ll be ready when you are.”
In a way, that exchange summarized our relationship.
I needed Jared to pick me up from the valley I lived in, and we were both waiting for the other to be ready.
When, in reality, neither of us was willing to take that risk.
It wasn’t safe.
Let another person into his life who could break his heart? He couldn’t.
Risk being trapped like my mom? No.
So we stayed separate, jousting like fencers and neither of us surrendering.
But, sweet Lord, those times with me sliding into Jared’s truck and driving through the city were some of my happiest moments as an adult. We would talk and catch each other up. Anything I needed help on, he’d offer a suggestion, or he’d just listen. It was different than when we were kids. It was better.
However, when the time came for him to leave town, that was it. A quick hug and a wave with no mention of me visiting him or him coming to see me in the off-season. He often came back to New Orleans when hockey was over, but he didn’t stay long. Jared always reminded me of a caged animal when he was home—like he had to get back out into the wild even if it was dangerous.
As the second period begins, my gaze follows Jared as he barrels across the ice. He possesses the puck from the midline until he spots Max up ahead. One quick flick of the wrist and he’s led his twin perfectly. Max lets go and slams the puck toward the goal. But…
The goalie makes an incredible save.
And the score remains zero to zero.
