I guess that’s true. I’ve been building a career for years but never felt courageous enough to admit that to myself.
“So why haven’t you quit Apex yet?” she asks me. “I’m already jealous.”
“Soon. I’m going to start working at the gallery in the evenings, and maybe in a few months I’ll be there full-time.”
“So speaking of football,” Lilla says.
“What?” I say. “I never said anything about football.”
“You didn’t need to. It’s what’s underneath this entire conversation right?”
“I can’t talk about Dylan right now, Lil. I have to get ready for work, and I’m going straight to the gallery from the office, so I’ve got to remember to pack everything.”
“Okay, but I’m going to come to the show with you and admire all your hard work, and after that? You and I need to have a little chat about your love life.”
“Lilla, I don’t have a love life to chat about. Remember?”
“I still disagree. We’ll discuss it tonight.”
“Lilla!”
But she’s already hung up.
I exhale and go get ready for the day.
* * *
Dylan
I haven’t left the house all week, except for my long runs on the beach. Even those weren’t as peaceful as normal because I had security pacing me the entire time. The authorities still haven’t caught the person who sent me the death threat, and I’m feeling caged in by all the safety measures. I always took precautions with a home security system, but now I’ve got a motion sensor in every room, not to mention around-the-clock guards.
To try to pretend like none of this nightmare is happening, I’ve worked out to exhaustion in my exercise room and spent every evening sitting out on the patio with a single glass of wine. Hanging out in the dark with just the moon and the stars for company has been cleansing. The ocean breeze and salty air are soothing, but the ambience hasn’t helped my mood.
Today though, my time on the balcony has started a bit early. It’s only early afternoon, and I’m finding myself out here by myself, searching for a sense of peace I can’t locate anymore.
I miss Jasalie so much it’s ridiculous. I’ve picked up the phone a hundred times to call her or text her, but then I remember the deranged fan, and I stop myself.
Jasalie’s so strong and is able to stand up for herself without blinking an eye. No confrontation ever seems too big for her. But if I kept her in my life, I’d be putting her in the position of having to constantly look over her shoulder. She already needs security guards following her around because of me, but that will end the longer we’re apart. Once people figure out that I’m single again, any negative attention on Jasalie will all but disappear. And then she’ll be safe. And we’ll both be alone again.
My breath catches, and I’m overwhelmed by such a sense of loneliness I nearly drop my glass of wine over the balcony. Jasalie and I filled a hole for each other, a hole that nobody else could satisfy. She gave me everything I never even knew I missed, and I like to think I did the same for her. I can only hope she’ll be able to find that again someday because God knows she deserves it more than anyone.
I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with nobody by your side like she did. To only have yourself to rely on. I can try to put myself in her position, but I feel like an arrogant asshole doing that.
I stare down at the ocean below and realize that it’s time for me to take care of a few things, starting with the people in my inner circle I’ve taken far too much shit from over the years.
I reach for the phone.
Dante and I need to get on the same page if we’re going to work as teammates. He tells me he’s glad I called and is amenable and apologetic when I talk to him about what I’m upset about. We hang up with a promise to work out together next week and talk some more. My father and brother aren’t as easy, but they both mumble that I’m important to them and they don’t want to lose me. I know that in their own way, they mean it. By the time I reach my agent, I realize I have to fire him.
“We’re on different paths,” I tell Tim. “You’ll work for me for the rest of the year, and that will give you time to plan. I know you already have a bunch of new clients. I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I just need a change.”
I’ve just hung up with him when my phone rings. I consider not picking up. But Cam won’t stop calling if he doesn’t reach me.
I say hello, trying my best to mask my mood.
“What the hell’s up with you?” he says immediately.
“Nothing.”
