“Birdie?” His voice is low. “You okay?”
I shake my head. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”
But it’snot.
Because now every laugh feels like betrayal. Every inch of skin we’re touching feels like a lie. Every happy flutter in my stomach feels like I’m dancing on Owen’s grave in wedge sandals. Honoring his memory? Ha. I’m rubbing it in his face that I lived and he didn’t.
I pull my hand away.
“Noah, I need a minute.”
He watches me, uncertain. “What’s going on?”
The words fall from my lips before I can stop them. “My heart is exploding,” I whisper.
I walk toward a quiet corner of the backyard, out of the merry glow cast by the twinkling fairy lights, needing air, space, time—something to unstick this grief from my lungs. I hear Noah behind me, his voice gentle.
“B. Wait.”
I spin around, eyes burning. “This was a mistake.”
The words fall out too fast.
“What was a mistake?”
“This party. You. The other night.” I inhale sharply. “I can’t keep pretending this doesn’t feel like cheating.”
He flinches. Not dramatically. But enough.
And I hate myself for it.
He nods once, stiff. “I see.”
I reach for him, already wishing I could pull back the hurt my words have placed on his features. “Noah?—”
“It’s okay.” He bobs his head a few times. “You’re not ready. I get it.”
“I want to be.”
“But you’re not.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be. We get one great love in our lifetime, right? It would be cruel and selfish to think I deserve two. I lost mine. And that’s it.”
“Birdie…” His voice is calm, gentle. “What’s going on?”
“This feels wrong,” I whisper. “All of it. Laughing. Touching.You.”
He steps back like I slapped him.
And I hate it.
He swallows hard, blinking at the ground, and lets out a slow, careful breath. “Well. Shit.” He gives a sad laugh, not unkind.
The silence stretches as we both stare, shoulder brushing shoulders, into the darkness.
“Owen used to love dares too, you know. Could never resist a challenge.”
The statement comes out of nowhere, but it still makes me smile, my heart aching a little more. Yes. We always were daring each other to do some outrageous thing. It’s how I ended up in the Puget Sound in December pretending to be an orca.
