“Aye, you ain’t said nothing but a word.” I agreed, yelling slightly as he left the kitchen. “Might plan a baecation with your fine ass sister.”
“Nigga, I will kill you.”
Hearty laughter escaped me before I pulled my phone out to text my uncle and see if he was at home or work. My tone might have been playful, but I was serious. Every second week of April on my calendar was blocked off for a trip, every year. Just because I wasn’t going to Miami to be on some ho shit didn’t mean I was about to stay my ass in Rose Valley Hills.
“Appreciateyou taking the time to meet with me, Unc,” I said as we shook hands.
I’d stopped by his office since I had some free time and didn’t want to wait until he got off to have this conversation. Usually when I was in deep thought about something, I could work it out mentally with a run or workout session, but that hadn’t been the case today.
The last week had been cool, but things had shifted between Eli and I after the paint and sip. I felt myself trying to intentionally put distance between us. Shit was starting to get a little too real. Regardless of how much I told myself it would be over soon, I was falling for her more and more. I loved her personality, her aura. The way I felt around her—the peace, the love, the companionship, the acceptance. Her warmth and femininity. The fun we had.
I was falling in love with my best friend’s sister, and I knew that was the dumbest thing I could do. It also felt like the best thing I could do. I was conflicted, and I didn’t want to take that shit out on her. She’d been through enough with Justin and Natasha. I didn’t want her to think I was going to switch up on her too. The fucked up part of it was, the more I distanced myself from her, the more I wanted her. I had it bad—Usher circa 2001 bad.
“Anytime, Nephew. You know that.”
I did, but I often kept my distance anyway. As we sat down, I realized it wasn’t just romantic love I was running from; I was running from love in general. Closeness. Attachment. Loss. Losing both parents, grieving my mother as if she was dead while she was still alive, rewired me, and not in a good way. If Ididn’t love a person, trust a person, feel attached to a person, it wouldn’t feel bad when they left . . . because theyalwaysleft.
“How did you know Aunt Veronica was the one?”
His head jerked back as if I’d physically struck him. Lifted brows and wide eyes quickly relaxed as he smiled.
“You asking me that, after all these years, tells me you’ve already found the one. But I knew your aunt was the one from the moment I laid eyes on her. I felt different. She was different. Our friendship was different. We didn’t really have a long dating period. One day we met and were with each other every day after that. We locked in, became lovers, got married, and the rest is history.”
“How do you . . .” I paused and looked at the palms of my hands, as if the question I wanted to ask was there. “How do you not lose yourself in love? How do you keep it healthy? Keep your individuality? Not love her so much that it scares you to envision life without her?”
“This is about your uncle Tony, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “My parents too. My own mama abandoned me because I looked too much like the man she loved. And Uncle Tony killed himself because he couldn’t stand to be on this Earth without Aunt Jackie. That makes me want nothing to do with love.”
“That wasn’t love. Not healthy love. It was dependence disguised as love.” He paused, head tilted as he carefully considered his words. “If your aunt died today, it would hurt the fuck out of me. I would carry her in my heart for the rest of my life. I’d be grateful for our time together and miss her, but my life would still go on.
“A lot of people die with their loved ones, meaning they no longer live, or never really learn how to live with the loss and grief. And that’s no shade to them, because it’s a hard thing to process, especially when it’s sudden. But I have my own life andidentity outside of my marriage. I have family, a child, a job, a community. Purpose. My marriage doesn’t consume me. It’s my highest priority, but I have others. We love each other and are best friends and life partners, but yeah. Life would go on.”
I processed his words, but since I didn’t respond, he asked, “Are you afraid to love, Nephew?”
“I’m afraid to lose,” I admitted vocally for the first time ever.
“And that’s a valid feeling. You’ve been through a lot. Might I suggest a different perspective for you to consider?” I nodded for him to continue. “Instead of closing off love because you’re scared to lose it, why not have the perspective of enjoying and appreciating it for as long as you have it? A lot of people unravel when relationships end, for whatever reason, because they didn’t want to let go. If you change your perspective and appreciate it for what it was, that’ll make it easier for you to detach. You said you were going to detach from your football career after a decade, and that’s your first love.”
“That’s true.”
“That’s gonna be hard for you, but you’ve accepted that it has an expiration date, so you’re enjoying it while you have it. Treat love the same way. If there’s a woman in your life that’s causing you to change the way you’ve thought about love and women, don’t run from that. Evolve.”
I thanked him for his wisdom, and we talked a while longer before I let him get back to his work.
He’d given me a lot to think about. I knew Eli was the only reason I was even considering a serious relationship, which was fucked up within itself. I’d dealt with countless women over the years, and none of them made me feel the way she did. None of them made me want the things she did. It felt like a punishment for me to finally want a woman and that woman be off-limits.
Once I made it to my car, I dialed Eli’s number. She answered, and the music in the background let me know she was at the studio.
“Hey, Fally,” she said with a flat tone, and that was on me.
“You have any plans for next week?”
“Resting. I start rehearsing for my show in June the week after.”
“Come away with me. We can go wherever you want, or I can plan something.”
Though she didn’t respond immediately, I wasn’t expecting her response to be, “No.”
