“That can’t be true.”
“Maybe I subconsciously started to notice. But we really upped the ante. It was like zero to sixty, and now I don’t know how to go back to anything in between.”
“Why do you have to? Charlie’s fantastic.”
“Because he’s not the guy to casually hook up with. I’m not ready for a Charlie in my life right now. I didn’t blow up my marriage and move to New York just to settle down again.”
“Sam, you guysmade out. With a little extra. Who’s talking about settling down?”
I wrung my hands. “I crossed a line.”
“Do you know how many people hook up when they’re drunk?”
“Yeah, I do. But not with friends that they respect. Charlie means a lot to me, and I’m just carelessly gambling with our friendship.”
“Did he say that?”
“No. He’s waiting for a text to say come over and make love to me sober. Maybe.”
“Then he’s complicit in any gambling that’s happening here. You have to talk to him.”
“I need a bottle of Advil.” I rubbed my temples. “What do I do now?”
“Talk to him.”
I shook my head impatiently. “We can’t possibly start seeing each other. We share an office. That’s HR’s worst nightmare. And beyond that, I can’t just float from one relationship to the next. Not until I know who I am in this version of my life.”
“What would Charlie say?”
“I have no idea.”
“So be a grown-up and start a conversation. I bet he’s having the same freak-out as you are right now.”
“He ordered me breakfast. Seems like he’s doing fine.”
“He also went down on you in an elevator. Everything I’m hearing tells me this guy is a unicorn. You should really think about what you want, because from what I can tell, he’s every woman’s dream.”
I hugged my knees to my chest. “Last night I wanted to be with him. Like, as more than a friend.”
“So text him that.”
“It’s eleven a.m. on a Sunday. The sun is shining. The alcohol is leaving my body. I can’t text him that.”
Caroline looked at me sympathetically. “You can’t keep using alcohol as a crutch. You know how you feel. Maybe last night wouldn’t have happened without a few drinks, but it’s the morning after. And you still think you want him. Just sit with that.”
I tried to imagine having a heart-to-heart with myself.
“Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on emotional autopilot for so long, I can’t even access my own emotions, no matter how hard I try. Alcohol opens me up. I know that’s not a healthy thing to admit.”
“It’s totally healthy to admit. Less healthy not to do anything about it.”
She looked at her watch.
“Maybe we should roll the yoga dice before you guys talk. We can still make the 12:45 vinyasa.”
Three hours later, I got out of the shower to a text from Charlie asking if I wanted to have dinner and talk.
I wrapped my hair in a towel and took a bottle of Pellegrino from the fridge.
