“You live alone, right?”
I nodded.
“God, do I envy you. I miss the days when I was just responsible for myself.” He looked down at the menu. “Can I be honest?”
I braced myself. “Of course.” I wished I had left the office early and stopped for a drink to take the edge off. I felt like he was glasses ahead of me.
“I came out here this week to get away. I needed space to think.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “I’m sure taking space helps to be a better partner and parent. It’s a lot. You have to take time for yourself,” I said encouragingly.
“It’s an expensive mental-health vacation. I’m at the St. Regis. On the firm, but still.”
He paused as the waiter came to ask for our order.
“They’re famous for veal piccata,” he said.
“I’ll have a Caesar salad and the veal piccata, please,” I said.
“I’ll do the same.”
The waiter collected the menus. I started to tell Leo that I had outlined Sterling’s fraud complaint but immediately sensed he didn’t want to have a working dinner.
He took a deep breath and looked at me squarely. “I’m leaving Jessica.”
The words hung heavily in the air as I tried to think of something that didn’t sound immature. I didn’t know why, but something about Leo making such a personal confession made me feel self-conscious.
“Oh, wow. I’m really sorry to hear that,” I said awkwardly, knowing nothing would have come out right.
“So many of my friends are unhappily married, but they’re sticking it out. It feels like you’re the only person I can really talk to about what I’m going through,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “How did you know it was time to end things?”
I fumbled for the right words. The idea that my experience could be helpful felt superficially parallel. “That was different,” I said carefully. “We didn’t have kids.”
“Right. Of course.” He took a deep breath. “It’s painful saying this out loud, but I’m going to offer her full custody, and just ask for visitation rights. Weekends, here and there.”
I tried to affect a neutral expression, but I felt shocked thinking he wouldn’t want to share custody. I wondered how long he’d been thinking about this. Was I a catalyst? I felt embarrassed thinking it, even if I’d wondered before now if the attraction was mutual.
“Is that really what you want?”
He sighed, looking distraught but determined. “I haven’t felt like myself for a while. I need to figure things out.”
I didn’t know Leo’s wife or much about their marriage other than they were both committed to their careers. But it struck me that no matter what, his choice to leave would have a disproportionate impact on her life. In many ways, the life I was chasing would have been impossible if Ben and I had had a child.
He looked like he could read my thoughts. “Please keep this between us. Most lawyers at the firm know Jessica, and I’d hate for her to hear it from someone else. I’m planning to talk to her when I get back this weekend.”
“Of course. You don’t have to worry,” I assured him. “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” I said honestly.
He took a slow sip of wine. “It’s going to be a rough couple of months, but hopefully it’ll be better on the other side.”
I suddenly wanted to tell him how much I knew about wanting to get to the other side. I thought if I could just get through the bar, get to New York, start my new life, be my own person, I’d have it all figured out. So far, most of what had been waiting on the other side were lessons on how there really is no such thing as getting to the “other side.”
“That’s the thing about getting to the other side,” I said cautiously. “If you’re not facing things on this side, they tend to follow you.”
It made more sense in my head. But I was living it.
Maybe it was Caroline’s voice in my head or my own internal voice. Somehow, having dinner with Leo felt less innocent.
He smiled sadly. “I admire you a lot, Sam. It takes strength to leave someone.”
