“No one really knows what’s going to make us happy. We’re just making it up as we go and drifting in the direction of people who make us feel good.”
I wished my conscious mind could drift in Charlie’s direction without overthinking all the reasons why I shouldn’t.
“Last night made me happy,” I said honestly.
“You’ve made me happy every day since I met you.”
I swallowed hard.
“I don’t want to ruin that,” I said.
“I don’t think you could.”
“But the possibility really scares me.”
He reached down for my hand.
“Let’s keep walking.”
We walked back to Bleecker and turned right, passing Magnolia Bakery and continuing toward the small park in Abingdon Square. He motioned to a bench faintly lit by a lamppost a few feet away.
“But we both feel something, right?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“But something’s holding you back.”
“There’s nothing holding you back?” I asked.
“Besides the fact that you mean a lot to me, and if this implodes, we still have to sit next to each other every day?”
“Exactly.”
“Can I be totally honest?” he asked.
I nodded.
“I’m willing to risk it.”
I could hear him breathing quickly.
“And yes, I know all the ways it’s a bad idea. What if one of us gets hurt, what if you move to LA and become a big-time Hollywood lawyer and end up dating Chris Pine? What if George Brenner sweeps you off your feet? What if we end up hating each other? I’ve thought about all of it.”
“What about the fact that I’m divorced?”
“What does that have to do with us?”
“I’m not ready for you,” I said softly. “I don’t trust myself. I don’t know how to be the person I want to be when I’m in a relationship. Not yet.”
“You don’t have to know. We’ll figure it out together.”
He moved his knee closer to mine. “Maybe I’m being naive, but I can’t remember ever feeling this way about anyone. Not even when I was infatuated with Kristen in college. Something about you is different. I love that I can make you laugh. I love how you go after everything you want. I love how self-deprecating you are, even when you’re the most impressive girl at the firm.”
He paused, considering his words carefully.
“Kissing you for the first time was unreal. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking about it since you drove off in that cab. And not just the way it felt to kiss you. I—I can’t get the sound of you out of my head. I keep replaying it over and over.”
My heart was racing again. His honesty was intoxicating. Even though I was dead sober, I knew exactly what I wanted in that moment.
