“I bet she’s working. That has to be it,” I say, snapping my fingers as if doing so will make it happen. All I need are the magical words with a chant of abracadabra to go with them. I hope that isn’t the case tonight, because it will seem like forever until I can see her, but so be it. I’ll just show up and surprise her at work and wait until she gets out at eleven. Will she be as excited to see me as I am to see her? I slowly pass along the familiar homes close to ours, and that’s when I notice someone in her driveway. At first, I don’t think much of it until I realize the car is one I’ve seen before, but for the life of me, I can’t place it. A chill prickles at the back of my neck. “Why can’t I place it?” I bring my hand to my chest as I feel it tighten there. I try my best not to overreact and calm the beast inside that knows something is wrong with this situation. The name, the face—it’s right there,just out of reach. We have a solid relationship. I should trust her. Although I know I shouldn’t worry, something tells me to pull over immediately, so I decide to wait there for a couple of minutes, giving me a perfect view while the engine idles.
I want to see who this is, and I’ll wait here for as long as possible. My legs begin to shake nervously, and I’m jittery. But I don’t have to wait too long because that's when I see them together. I do a double-take to see if I'm imagining things. I lean forward as if maybe I can hear the conversation. My ears turn hot, and I swear I can feel my heartbeat thumping loudly in my chest. I try not to jump to conclusions, but it is getting harder to resist.
He’s holding a bag. Did he stay the fucking night? My knuckles turn bone white from gripping the steering wheel like I envision gripping his throat, squeezing so tightly as I watch the light fade from his eyes when he realizes the grave mistake he’s made. I don’t dare move as I try to calm the monster that wants to wreak havoc and ask questions later, breathing in and out like I used to when my father spewed his venomous words.
Then she hands him some keys, and he hugs her, kissing the top of her head, and I fucking lose it. He holds her like she means something to him. He looks at her like she’s his, and I wonder how long Dani and Brandon, my previous realtor, have been having this relationship behind my back. I can hardly believe what I'm seeing, but it's undeniable. Did it happen as soon as I left? They are obviously together, and the thought makes me want to vomit. My brain screams in silent protest, rioting inside in what my lips refuse to voice aloud. She’s mine. She’ll always be mine.
I feel something inside me crack. My fists begin to shake, and I imagine him suffering a terrible fate at my hands. Would Dani help me with the body this time? No. Not for him, her new lover. The thoughts turn acrid in my mouth as my mind races,unraveling every small detail of the past couple of months. I remember old phone calls, and how I thought I was imagining Dani’s clipped voice growing detached and distant with each passing day. I blamed myself, calling it paranoia or my increased exhaustion from countless sleepless nights either studying or missing her, as well as having the most fucked up past to resurrect every insecurity I thought I had buried along with my parents.
I feel the betrayal first, knocking the breath out of me, leaving a hollow ache. Then comes disbelief, not because she chose someone else, but that she did it so easily despite our instant connection and shared secrets. Lastly, the rage. It’s all-consuming, made ten times worse by the knowledge that I meant so little to her as it implodes within me. Everything I have done, I did for us and the future I wanted to share. However, it was just a dream, nothing more.
I was too focused on climbing my way to the top by finishing medical school, becoming a doctor, forging a life as a partner and a husband. I’ve been so consumed by my goals that I can’t shake the fear that what I left behind might be gone when I return. And yet I clung to our love, stubbornly refusing to question that she would wait for me, even as the thought of her slipping away turned every moment into torment. Maybe I’ll never get the reason I deserve, and be forced to accept that I’ve been replaced. Unable to fathom any reason to further torture myself by staying to watch the rest unfold, I leave just as quickly as I came, my heart heavy and praying for bleach to scrub the scene from my eyeballs.
I drive in silence, my cold hands on the steering wheel, with a clear path straight to the airport, unable to escape the heavy thoughts swirling in a maelstrom of emotions roaring through my head. I move on autopilot, dropping the rental off at the kiosk and grabbing my bag from the back as I walk tothe departing terminal, quickly calling the hotel to cancel my reservation and informing them that I have an emergency that requires my immediate attention back home.
Just like that, my old life is gone. This is no longer my home. As I board the plane with a newfound purpose, I feel my new identity begin to take hold of me. It is filled with loathing and a relentless need to destroy, born from a shattered heart beyond repair. There is no recovering, no returning to the man Dani once knew. He is gone and buried, replaced by a coldness that envelops me, solidifying into something methodical and calculating in the wake of her absence. I shut myself off from the emotions that threatened to consume me because I won’t allow myself to feel what I felt for Dani ever again or with anyone else. She is the only woman I have ever loved and will love. She holds all the power. Now, I fight the monster within that knows only pain and cruelty. He is the one who has resurfaced, staying to protect me from ever feeling that way again. And I welcome him with open arms.
TWELVE
DANI
Itook the day off to help Brandon with the last-minute touch-ups. It’s the final day I'll ever spend in this house, and that thought alone has me down. You’d think that I grew up here, but in a way, I did. I found something more real here than in all of my existence. But tonight, I will load up the last of our things, severing my only tangible connection to Vic and the way we fit so perfectly together.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll drive my mom and me to a new city, a new apartment, and a new life, leaving behind a place that I will always call my home because this is where I gave my heart and soul to a boy who will forever own me.
I hold the cold, metallic keys in my hand. They feel so heavy as I give them over to Brandon. “Here.” I extend the keys to him. He watches me, and I know he sees my throat bob as I swallow down the lump quickly forming there. “I guess there is no need for these anymore, right?” I know it is a rhetorical question, but still, some part of me wants to hold on to them, and in doing so, keep the memory of us alive a little longer here in this place where it all began. Because right now that’s all I have left.
And I know that I haven’t done a great job of showing Vic how much he means to me. That he is still mine. But I have hadso much on my plate lately, and he can’t understand because I never let him in. And I’m just so damn tired of it all. There’s no real reason to hold on because the house is just a shell of wood and old ghosts. There is no use for the keys, since we just have to lock up and go, so I shake them for him to take. But Brandon doesn't take the keys. He just eyes the keys in my outstretched arm warily.
I watch as he places his bag on the ground—the same bag that holds all his tools. I wish he could take those tools and fix my broken heart that continues to shatter every day that I’m away from Vic. It’s so funny to think that he was so jealous of Brandon when he first came over to sell Vic’s house. Now, here we are doing the same thing, except it’s me now.
Brandon stayed true to his word and helped me fix up the place. He spent countless hours here with me, not just helping me fix things that would increase the value of my home, but also listening to me vent about my current situation. I cry, he listens and offers supporting words, but not once did he ever cross the line and use my vulnerability to his advantage. I couldn’t be more grateful for his friendship. As he moves forward, I stiffen because maybe I got it wrong, but then he surprises me. He reaches around me and pulls me into a hug. And I didn’t realize how much I needed that. I soften and hug him back, clutching on to the key still in my hand like a lifeline.
“I’ll make sure everything else is cleaned up,” Brandon says with a soft sigh. “And—” He pauses like he wants to say something else, but instead changes his mind. “I wish you the best, Dani.” I cling to him harder, fighting the rising pressure burning behind my eyes. But I refuse to let the tears threatening to fall spill. He presses a gentle kiss to the top of my head. It’s tender and comforting in a way that makes me feel worse as his words fall softly, almost whispering, “I still think you should tell him the truth.”
I break away from his embrace, placing the key into his hand that holds my past as I embark on an unknown future. I look him in the eye, already shaking my head. “No.” He tries to speak, but I hold out my hand to stop whatever he was going to say. “I just can’t,” I say feebly, resigned.
He sighs. And I hate the way that makes me feel like I am letting him down. Brandon has been nothing but kind, patient, and generous, and as much as I am grateful for all of that, I still can’t take his advice. Maybe that makes me a coward. As I start to turn away, I see a car pass by, and for a brief moment, I think it is Vic. My breath catches in my throat. But that’s impossible. It can’t be because he’s a couple of thousand miles away, fulfilling his dreams in a place we both promised to go to together. I huff out a laugh that sounds more amused than anything.
Brandon eyes me warily, brow furrowed, and probably wondering if I’m finally going to lose it, and he may be right. “What is it?” His voice is cautious as he probes further.
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “I think I’m seeing things now.” He looks around, then glances down the street just as the red taillights of a car turn at the stop sign further down the long street before disappearing out of view. When he turns back to me, I exhale slowly, ready to explain.
“Great,” I mutter, forcing out a half-hearted smile as I motion to the empty street and at the car that is now long gone from view. “Now I am hallucinating.” I rub my eyes hard, hoping the pressure might help clear my vision, but when I blink, it still looks the same. “I thought I saw Vic,” I admit, my voice growing quieter, “driving down our street,” I continue, until it becomes a whisper, or more of a wish on my lips. I gesture again, although the car is long gone. “So much for moving on, huh?”
Brandon chuckles. “Yeah, but I know that couldn’t be him. I mean, you saw how he looked at me last time. And that was just from looking at you.”
I laugh, too. “Yep, you're right.” I decide, letting the truth settle. “He would have already been out of the car, ripping you away from me.” We both laugh, and when it becomes awkward, dissolving into silence, Brandon spares me one last glance before turning away.
He lifts his hand in a small wave. “Take care of yourself, Dani.” With that, he doesn’t look back. He just gets in his car and drives away. I stand there long after staring over at Vic’s old house, feeling more alone than ever.
As I step into the empty house, the silence swallows me whole. I grab my purse and dig out my phone, desperate to hear Vic’s voice. I need something to ground me, something familiar, and that is home, even though my heart is thousands of miles away. I see a few missed calls from Vic. My heart lurches. When did he call? I hit his name, and the call connects. It goes straight to voicemail after two rings.
My brows knit. “That’s weird,” I say to no one. Thinking it must be a mistake, I try again. This time, it skips the ring entirely and goes straight to voicemail as if he turned off his phone. A chill crawls up my spine, and the air feels heavier around me. Why would he decline my call? My knees buckle at the thought, the ground crumbling around me as my vision goes hazy. It feels like something is piercing my heart, and I don’t know what heartbreak is, but I bet it feels something like this. It's as if a piece of that very organ is being torn apart. But that can’t be right because he’ll always be mine. And for the first time today, I feel afraid. Not just of losing him, but of the possibility that I already have.
So I do the only thing I can, I pick myself up and find the will to move forward. To take care of my mom. To finish school. And one day, when the time is right, I’ll find Vic again. When I do, I’m never letting go.
The driveinto the city was uneventful. Once I get my mom settled in the lower-level apartment, I throw myself headfirst into all the tasks that need to be completed to make her life as comfortable as possible. I started my new job as a patient care technician in the emergency department. The flexible hours allow me to keep up with school, and for the first time in a long time, I find myself looking forward to something.
