I stand there, looking up at him, small beneath the heavy weight of our goodbyes, with my thumbs in each front pocket of my cut-off jean shorts, as if I, too, need something to hold onto—to keep me grounded. We are caught in a silent standoff, each of us unwilling to speak first, afraid to rupture the fragile moment with words. His dark, black eyes are burning into me, holding me steady under the weight of his stare. I can’t bear the weight of them, like he can see inside my mind and my heart. But it isn’t the man I love that’s looking at me now, it’s his obsession bordering on madness. His passion has always been dangerous, but now, under his intense scrutiny, it’s ravenous.
So I look away, coward that I am, because if I meet his gaze for a second longer, I’ll cave. The words clawing at my throat will release with fury.Please stay, don’t go, and I need younow more than ever. But the problem is that I know what he’ll do. He’ll abandon the future he fought for, thinking nothing of dismissing the rare opportunity he was given that waits across the country. He may never forgive me if he stays, but I know for sure that I will never forgive myself for denying him this chance.
Vic is the most brilliant man I have ever known, with a sharp tongue, endless curiosity, and a mind that never rests. If anyone deserves a chance to begin a new chapter, it’s him. I love it for him, but it doesn’t make this any easier.
I swallow back the cry that threatens to rip free of my throat. Instead, I close the few inches remaining between us as my body begins to shake uncontrollably, and throw my arms around him. He catches me without hesitation, folding himself around me tightly and resting his chin on the crown of my head. That’s all it takes for the dam to break, as I fall apart in his arms. I expel it all from my body, purging all thoughts. For the uncertainty about our future. For the absence of his touch that I already mourn. For the sickness devouring my mother from the inside out. And worst of all, for the way everything I love is rapidly slipping away through my fingers, just like the tears from my eyes. So I do the only thing I can do—I ugly cry into his chest with all the anguish I’ve tried to deny feeling.
And he just holds me in his steady, silent embrace—letting me grieve not just him, but what I know is my life collapsing. He rubs my back in a soothing rhythm that speaks more than words ever could. When I stop to pull back and look up at him, his eyes are red, too. Tears are tracking along his cheeks that remind me of the way a hard rain looked against the windowsill as he took me like a man possessed in the backseat of his car while we waited for it to stop. “I love you, Dani.” His voice is steady as he looks me in the eye with certainty.
“I love you,” I repeat, much like the vows we made together in the dark, “forever and a lifetime more.” I reach up, sliding myfingers behind his neck, pulling him down to me. Our mouths meet in a desperate kiss. He kisses me like it’s his last breath, and I kiss him like it’s my last time I’ll ever feel this alive. Because the truth is, it very well could be.
When he discovers what I’ve done, will he forgive me for lying even if I had the best intentions? Will he see the love in my lie?
He pulls away reluctantly with his hands lingering along my waist as if he is trying to memorize my face in this moment. Then he lets go, turning to grab his bag off the cement driveway, and hurling it into the passenger seat spot that was supposed to be mine. He turns back, his eyes sweeping over me one last time. Then he gently places his fingers beneath my chin, almost reverently, his fingers caressing my cheek, catching a stray tear. Too many fallen to count. He lets his hand fall from my face, bringing his fingers to his lips.
“Until next time, baby.” His voice is husky and low, but it rings loudly in my ears along with the rapid beating of my heart. He walks over to the driver’s side of the car and opens the door. He places one leg into the driver’s seat, and one hand rests on the top of the door. For a brief moment, he watches me and smiles, albeit a sad but hopeful one. Resigned, he hits the top of the car twice and disappears inside. The car door closes with a loud thud, much like the finality of our future. We stay there for what feels like an eternity, in the exact moment in time frozen, not wanting to accept our separation, and just when I'm about to cave and give up, telling him not to go and how I am unable to do this alone, he puts the car in reverse. When he turns around to wave, I lose my nerve. I don’t stop him, and lift my hand to do the same.
It takes everything I have not to crumple into a little ball right there on the cracked cement driveway. I force myself to walk toward the end of the driveway and onto the street to continuewaving until he turns the corner and I can no longer see his taillights. I drop my hand in defeat, and stand there on the road feeling hollowed out, regretting what I had to do. I hang my head in shame and want so badly to undo everything I have set into place.
I knew that I would feel this way, so I didn’t allow myself a moment to wallow in my pity party of one. Instead, I am going to crush that job interview this afternoon, which will allow me to attend school at the community college and have great benefits, so that my mom can stop working and focus on getting better. So I will carry this burden for us and do what she has always done. Take care of us. And maybe, if there is a higher being, they will have mercy on us and allow me to have my future with the man who drove away with my heart, and hope he finds his way back to me.
As I walk past his home, it stands there dark and looming. A reminder of all I lost. As of tomorrow, someone else will be the new owner, and it’s something I can’t imagine having to witness every day. I walk into my house feeling more alone than I ever have felt since moving here. I think back to that day, when a boy first waved at me from his bedroom window, and I smiled back.
NINE
VIC
It took three long, solitary days to drive to New Hampshire. Three days of endless nights thinking about Dani and a growing anticipation of a dream I had wished to come true for so long. On the final night, as I neared my destination, I booked a hotel, knowing I desperately needed rest. I craved a long shower to wash away the incessant worries that have been running endless circles through my mind.
Stepping outside afterward, I finally took in the scenery around me. I hadn’t realized how rural this area was, or how beautiful the mountains looked, cloaked in mist, so unlike the flat, sun-soaked plains of Texas. It is truly something special to behold, and for a moment, it made my thoughts a little less heavy.
I found myself grateful for the foresight to rest because the roads are narrow and winding. If you're not cautious, in one careless moment, you could find your car crumpled against a granite boulder or a moose. When I arrived on campus, I looked around and noticed how the ivy clung to the school's exposed brick. Everything here seems remarkably old, and the school's history dates back to the 1700s.
After I collect my housing assignment and schedule, I make my way to the weathered dorm along the creaking stairs to the second floor that houses my room. When I open the door and step in, I notice another person already occupying half. With nothing left to decide, I place my belongings on the only other remaining bed, where I will live for the remainder of the year and the spring semester. I heard another student in line at the bookstore complaining about the overcrowded quads, so this is a special treat. I pull up my schedule, excited to see how full it is. I can only hope it keeps my mind off the other half of my heart still with her, miles away.
A coupleof months have passed in a blur of constant assignments and school activities, and I’ve settled in nicely, on the surface. I’ve spoken to Dani, but not as often as I’d have hoped. She seems to be constantly working or otherwise occupied. I am starting to become concerned that she is pushing herself too hard. Her messages are brief and clipped. Without the opportunity to have a decent conversation, I don’t know how to approach the pending sense of doom I feel. I plan on surprising her before Halloween. It’s our favorite holiday, and I miss her so much that being away from her this season feels almost cruel.
Here, the leaves have turned a majestic shade of crimson, amber, and aubergine, transforming New England into something otherworldly. The cobblestone streets evoke nostalgic memories of a time long ago, with carriages and headless horsemen from the novels I frequently read. I almostexpect to see such a scenario because the fall weather elicits these tales of witches and warlocks.
The brisk air brings out all kinds of people walking down the pavement in trench coats, hats, and even the occasional gloves, depending on the drop in temperature. I find myself colder than most, but that's no surprise, having come from a warmer climate, but the air here is so clean and crisp that I can’t help but enjoy the scenery. The streets smell of wood smoke, crisp apples, and something earthy. Last weekend, I joined a few classmates for apple picking at a local orchard. We feasted on warm cider donuts and dark, spiced cider with a higher alcohol content than I expected.
Still, through it all, I couldn’t shake thoughts of Dani and what she’s doing at this moment, especially when I returned to my dorm alone with just my memories to hold onto. I miss her more than I can say, and I long for the day she’ll come and visit. Any alone time with her would be worth it, no matter how brief. Maybe I can show her the sights here and remind her of what she's missing. She is always working, and I hope I can convince her to take a much-needed break from it all. I’d like to spend the time showing her around, not to mention I missed my girl and plan on spending a large portion of that time between her legs, too, reminding her of how her body bends to mine and how we fit together so perfectly.
The last session of classes ends for the day right at noon. One thing about New England is that, during the fall and winter months, we lose daylight sooner, and it isn’t uncommon for it to be dark by five p.m. I rush back to my room to pick up one more item. I open the dresser and remove the little velvet box, placing it in the side pocket and securing it there. Some of my friends are going into Boston to celebrate the Halloween festivities, so I arranged to catch a ride with them. Without needing anything further, I meet up with them, heading into Boston early beforerush hour hits. This gives me plenty of time to catch my flight and for them to enjoy some Halloween festivities in the city.
I’ve already purchased a ticket, so they'll drop me off at Logan. I tried calling Dani again today, but as usual, she didn’t answer. And yet I can’t shake this feeling. Something deep inside me senses the secrets she’s hiding, leaving me alone in the dark, guessing at what they could be. I hope that I’m wrong, but every time we talk, a quiet tension lingers. I bridge the space between us with stories about my classmates, only to wonder if I’m making it worse by reminding her of what she's missing. It’s the crushing realization that she didn’t get in. I wish more than anything that she were here, sharing this new adventure with me and creating new memories together.
I almost need her to say something else, anything to fill the silence, so I don’t feel like I’m the one making her sad by being here without her. Doesn’t she understand that without her, the days are something I endure rather than live? I want her here with me, at my school, close enough to grasp something real instead of clinging to the tormenting memory of her last caress. So I hold onto it, keep it close, and do everything I can to let her know she’s constantly on my mind.
I try to stay close to her however I can, but my attempts to stay connected are far from thought out. Like when we tried to have phone sex. Yeah, that didn’t go so well. My roommate's girlfriend walked into our dorm room with a friend right in the middle of it. It was painfully awkward, and by the time they finally left, after trying to drag me to their party they were going to, Dani was silent on the other end of the line—cold and almost entirely detached. There was nothing I could do to fix that phone call, so we hung up, and I felt like everything I had was slipping through my fingers.
I wish she could see that no one will ever compare to her. She just has to trust me when I say she is the only one for me,because every thought, every beat of my heart, belongs to her alone.
I can’t bear the distance any longer. Words are no longer enough. I have to prove to her, make her see how much she means to me, and the only way to do that is in person. I need to show her how deeply I miss her, and remind her of how well we work together—how we still belong to each other. And I intend to spend the night, and all weekend, proving just how undeniably true that still is.
TEN
DANI
