One beer has me thinking about Cassidy again, forcing me out of the bar. The iciness of the night should be powerful enough to knock some sense into me, but it doesn’t.
WIN:
I think someone is creeping around the cottage. Should I tell Cassidy?
I blink hard, staring at the message as the cold settles in around me. I take a few moments to start the truck and formulate an answer.
ME:
I’ll check it out. Don’t bother her.
It’s the least I can do after fucking everything up. I drive until I find myself in front of two houses. One is the building I wanted to escape so badly I went up the mountain.
The other the home that could have been.
There are lights on inside my mother’s home. Someone, probably Winnie watching the cottage. Even from the car, I hear one of the kids shouting. There’s always noise. Always something going on beyond those walls.
Instead of going towards it, I walk in the other direction.
No one bothered to clear the sidewalk where the ruins sit, nor the path leading up. It doesn’t look like the snow has been disturbed, either, but I keep going.
I spent so much of my life looking out my window and staring at this house. At the cottage it’d once been, all the way to its destruction. I watched the first window break and the first step crumble.
Maybe that’s what I do. I watch it all, making no impact. And when I try to step in, I’m the one who destroys what’s good.
I ruined any chance of having a future with Cassidy. I destroyed any chance of her children having a future here. And I’ve probably run them off for good.
Every part of me hurts, making it almost difficult to move, but I push through the snow until I’m outside the cottage. All the windows are broken, have been for a while. The steps leading up to the porch look like a sledgehammer was taken to them. And the porch itself is one step away from collapsing in on itself.
From memory, there’s a storm cellar around the side. If anyone were going to stake it out, then they’d likely check there for a safe way in. Somehow, I trudge through the snowuntil I locate the doors. A heavy deadbolt locks it, surprisingly unharmed despite the years of misuse. Of all the places, I would have expected this to be open.
It doesn’t look like anyone has been here. I should count my blessings. Or maybe I’d hoped there was something, so I had a reason to see her again.
The chill settles into my bones as I make my way back to the truck. I’m almost tempted to let it take over, but don’t. I can’t.
I know it’s just misplaced hope, and yet as I crawl into the whisper of warmth, I have to wonder if there’s more I can be doing. More I could fight for.
It’s what I think about as I drift into sleep.
TEN
CASSIDY
“Idon’t know, Liv,” I murmur, chest heavy as I look towards the loft where the kids sleep. The fire roars, keeping the space warm, though I can’t shake the chill heavy in my bones.
“Well, I just made it to Saddlehorn with Christopher. You could always bring the twins and join us,” she says, voice tired, exhaustion clear in her tone. “I could rent us an actual house temporarily. You should sell the land. Everyone says it’s worth a fortune. You could take that money and put it away for college, set Arlo and Cleo up for a good future.”
I release a breath and rub my forehead, my own exhaustion slowly catching up. I’d already known I wouldn’t get any sleep here, but not from being wide awake.
I miss Caleb. Deeply. And it hurts so much more than I realised it would. I miss him more than I do my ex-husband, even more than my children’s father. It doesn’t make sense.
“I know that’s not really what you want to do, though,” Olivia says quietly. “You wanted it to work up there.”
Chewing my bottom lip, my eyes dart to the loft. “I saw a future here, you know? It’s so beautiful, even during a blizzard. And for a little while, it wasn’t so bad.”
“Because you were withhim.”
I press my lips together, immediately guilty. “Yeah.”
