I can usually tell by the way he looks at me, but now they both know.
My heart sputters at the pain swirling in his light gray eyes. How his lip twitches with the need to frown and he shakes his head, looking away from me.
“It didn’t go well,” he speaks just above a murmur and looks away from me, staring at the wall as he lets out a heavy breath. I watch as he tries to relax in front of me, shaking his shoulders and brushing his fingers through his hair. Small pieces of glass tinkle as they drop into the porcelain tub.
Jay.
“You should give me a minute,” Jay finally says as he stands tall and towers over me.
“I can help,” I offer, but he steps around me, walking to the sink with the glass crunching beneath his boots.
“There’s glass,” Jay points out the obvious and then stares pointedly at my feet before turning on the faucet.
“I can get shoes,” I say weakly. My thoughts are a blur, and his casual demeanor is not at all what I expected. “Can I just clean the glass from your hands so you don’t make it worse?” I ask him. My fingers are itching to comfort him. To help him. I’m terrified he’ll push me away.
“No,” Jay says dismissively, running his hand under the water and looking up to a chunk of mirror still left on the wall. “What happened?” I ask him in a whisper. He looks at me over his shoulder and I think he’s going to tell me to just leave, but thankfully he doesn’t.
“John doesn’t want to believe he did that to you.”
I stand there numb, the tips of my fingers tingling. “Did what… did what to me?” I ask. Although I shake my head, there’s nothing wrong. “You did nothing wrong.”
Jay’s lips part and a huff of a humorless laugh leaves him. He dries his hands on the towel, looking straight ahead.
“The day you left is what he’s thinking about,” he says and his voice is deathly low.
Tears sting at my eyes as I say, “Forgive me.” I’ll never forgive myself, but please, please I need him to know I regret it with everything in me.
“There’s nothing for me to forgive, little bird. You did what I told you to do.” He cups my jaw in his strong hand and I lean into his touch, desperate for it. For anything he can give me. “But John hasn’t forgiven anything. He hasn’t even begun to forgive himself.”
I can’t imagine the pain. I can’t imagine what the man standing right in front of me is feeling in this moment. I just need to be here. And I am, but what good am I?
“I have to clean this up,” he says as his hand falls to his side. “Just give me a moment, little bird,” he tells me easily and with a small smile I so rarely see. There’s a sadness in his eyes too though and I don’t understand it. It makes me fear for him. I grab onto his hand, not wanting to leave and not willing to risk him.
“You’re scaring me,” I tell him honestly.
“I need to clean this.”
“I can do it,” I offer quickly. Anything I can do to help, but Jay snatches my wrists. The swift motion catches me by surprise. His fingers are forceful and his gaze down at me is intense.
“I need to be alone for a moment,” he tells me, but it’s the last thing I want for him. He’s been alone for so long, and he just needs to let someone help him.
“I just want to help you, Jay.” I’m terrified he’s close to a break that’s simply too much to handle. I can’t let that happen. Not to him. Not to someone I love so deeply when I’m right here. “I can help you,” I beg him and his expression softens slightly.
He turns my wrist and kisses it gently before letting me go. “Soon, little bird,” he says and his voice is soft and drenched with hopelessness.
“It’s going to be okay, Jay,” I tell him, feeling the pain in my heart worsen each second that passes without him looking at me.
I follow his gaze to the broken glass and blood on the tiled bathroom floor. I can clean this up. I can fix this. We can fix this. “I can get you-”
“Go to your room, little bird,” Jay says with authority, cutting me off. My lips part with both disbelief and an objection but he adds, “I love you and I don’t want you to see this right now.”
I love you. I’ve known he loves me. How could we not share this together? Two people so deeply intertwined and whose souls who cling to each other for comfort.
My lower lip wobbles and I reach out to him. I grip onto his shoulder without thinking until I’m clinging to his shirt and realize what I’ve done. But Jay doesn’t react, he just lets me pull him and that hurts me deeper than anything. His fight has waned.
“I love you. All of you, and I’m right here,” I tell him desperately, praying he’ll believe me. Every bit of what I’ve said.
A small trace of a smile forms on his lips and at first I feel like it really will be okay, as if he’ll let me help him the way he needs.
