“You talk to him often?” I ask him as I pick at the hem of my nightgown, each little bit of information helps me to understand.
Jay clears his throat roughly and looks away from me and toward the window. My throat closes, hating how much this wounds him.
“That’s fine,” I tell him to try to reassure him. “I understand, Jay.” I keep my voice light and calm, feigning a casual air about such a serious conversation. “You know I’d never judge you.” I try to speak the words calmly, but they're quiet at the end as the anguish rises and my throat seems to close. My shoulders rise slowly as I take in a deep steadying breath and close my eyes.
“He won’t be able to deny you,” Jay says and his words make my eyes open. He licks his lips as soon as my eyes reach his, and they draw my focus to his mouth.
My body heats, and I feel nothing but ashamed. The desire is there; I can’t help it. But I’m ashamed that in this moment I want to comfort him in a primitive way. I have to tear my eyes away as I ask, “So you need me to tell him about our past? You can see why that scares me, can’t you?”
He shakes his head and says, “You don’t have to tell him anything you don’t want to.” My eyes flick back to his as he swallows and adds, “I just thought hearing it from you would help.”
“Since he won’t listen to you,” I say as if it’s a question, but it’s only to clarify what I already know. I try my best to hide the genuine fear of revealing anything to John. But I fail at it, miserably.
A hesitant breath leaves me and I try to beg him one last time, “We should go-”
He cuts me off before I can finish and says, “I’ll protect you. Always. I’ll be there.”
Always. The word is the final dagger. “You can’t promise me that.” I lower my head as the words slip out and I lose my sense of composure. I rest my head in my hands, my fingers spearing through my hair and I rock forward slightly. I’m not normally like this. The last time was my final session with Marie.
She reminded me so much of Jay. So much of me. So much of what we’d been through.
But this is nothing like what that poor girl went through. There’s only so much a person can be pushed. Only so much pain they can handle before they break. She wouldn’t take the medication I prescribed, and she couldn’t turn off the nightmares.
I can’t break down again. I can’t let what happened to Marie happen to Jay. I have to be strong for those who can’t. I failed her.
“I can, and I will. Please, little bird, my Robin.” Jay rises and crawls to me. I peek up through my lashes, wet with the promise of tears that I hold back.
I don’t resist him when he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his lap. I stay still, not reaching up like I did when I was a child. He’d hold me if I promised not to hold him back.
But his grip on me is so different now. Everything is different.
The way the warmth of his strong body envelops me and heats my blood.
The way our breath mingles and begs me to arch my neck and press my lips against his.
The way I lean into his chest and breathe in his scent. He’s slow to react when I place my hand on his thigh. He shushes me, cautiously, as if he’s not sure that’s what he wants to do. Slowly, he bends forward and kisses my neck.
This is so horribly wrong.
I need to be stronger than this. Stronger for Jay.
“How does this end?” I ask him.
He gives me a sad smile. “I don’t know, little bird,” he says looking down at me. “I don’t know what will happen when he finds out.”
I start to answer him, but the moment my lips open with a quick breath, he cuts me off.
“You need to go to bed.”
“Can I sleep with you?” I ask him although I hate myself for it. I crave his comfort, and I know he craves mine. He gently pushes a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear, looking at me all the while with a tortured gaze.
“I want to touch you,” Jay says and the sadness in his voice is outweighed by desire.
“Then touch me,” I whisper, but it only cues him to stand, leaving me on the floor and staring up at him, the hope dimming with each passing second.
“I don’t trust myself,” he finally says and I shake my head, wiping the sleep and misery from my eyes.
The shame overwhelms me again. I’m so fucked up and broken for wanting him, but I do, so badly. Jay’s hand grips my chin, forcing me to look up at him although the touch is comforting.
