He still looked like my brother, but at the same time, completely different. His skin was no longer warm and pink but lifeless and cold. The pure heart inside him and huge capacity to forgive, heal, and protect had moved onto a different form, leaving us but not forgetting us.
He’d been so strong. So brave. I’d taken him for granted, expecting him to be there beside me as we grew old and grey.
Yet, now he’d forever remain young. Frozen in time, immortal to the end.
I wanted to collapse to my knees and confess everything to him. I wanted to tell him what I’d done to Cut. I wanted to purge my sins and have him carry them for me.
But I couldn’t.
I would never speak to him again.
And I couldn’t grieve.
Not yet.
Not after the destruction of yesterday.
And in some strange way, I felt as if Kes already knew what’d happened in the barn. As if he hadn’t died because I’d taken a life and another Hawk must forfeit. But because he sensed he no longer had to fight against our father.
He was free to go.
Free to be happy.
You’ll always have my gratitude and friendship, Kes. No matter where you are.
A ball lodged in my throat, but I didn’t break down. It took all of my remaining strength to stare dry-eyed at my brother and whisper farewell.
“He died without pain,” Jasmine murmured. “The doctor told us his heart gave out from his injuries. He was still in a coma...he wouldn’t have felt it.” Jaz looped her fingers with Kes’s lifeless ones. “He’s at peace now.”
My back locked as Kes remained unmoving. His bird tattoo didn’t jerk, no feathers quivered over his muscles. I kept expecting his eyelids to flutter, his lips to twitch. His laugh to explode and an elaborate hoax to be unveiled.
But unlike his prankster illusions from his childhood, this wasn’t a deception.
This was real.
He was dead.
He’s truly gone.
I hugged Nila closer. “He didn’t die alone. You’re never truly alone when you know you’re loved by another.”
Jaz’s tears wouldn’t stop, and I wouldn’t force her to dry her eyes until shewas ready. I’d purged and sewn myself back together in the lake after coming apart with my father’s death. Today, I would help my sister do the same thing.
Nila cried quietly beside me. Her heart sorting through so many memories, so many complexities even though she’d known Kes only a short while. They’d bonded. They’d loved each other. They would forever be linked by their own relationships as well as the family tie Nila would form by marrying me.
I’m sorry, brother.
I looked at his face, his cold body and vacant shell, and said a private eulogy.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye, but this isn’t goodbye; it’s just a postponement. I’ll miss you, but I won’t mourn you because you were too good a friend and brother to remember with sadness.
Time lost meaning as we all stood beside Kes one last time.
The moment we left, we’d never see him again. The only way we would look upon his face was to stare at pictures from happier times or watch videos trapping his soul forever.
None of us wanted to leave.
So we stayed.
