I hit him again.
“Look me in the fucking eye and tell me why you let them do this!”
I hit him again and again andagain.
“Explain to me why you didn’t save me. That you left me to suffer when I know you care for me!”
He jerked away from my barrage, backing toward the door. “I’ll leave. I won’t put you through any more—”
“No!” I screamed. I’d never been so loud. My voice bounced off the chandelier, disappearing into luxury fabrics waiting to be turned into garments. “You leave now and you willneverbe welcome in my life. You hear me? I hate you for what you made me go through last night.” My voice cracked. “Kestrel—he proved to be twice the man you are and Ilikedhim touching me. At least he deserved a reward for doing whatever he could to save me.”
Jethro stumbled backward, rubbing his forehead. “I don’t want to hear about—”
“Tough shit!” I stalked him as he lurched away.
My stomach coiled and spat with pain. What Kestrel did last night stained my entire outlook. Yes, I was grateful to him for trying. Yes, I’d come under his touch. But it made me feel dirty and whorish to speak about Kes to Jethro.
I didn’t have feelings toward him other than friendship. And even then, I still didn’t trust him. He’d drugged me for heaven’s sake!
But I wanted to hurt Jethro so much. I wanted him in pieces like I was. I wanted him fucking bleeding at my feet and begging for forgiveness.
I turned feral. Vibrating with the need to hurt. I’d never been so callous tocrave others’ pain. But this...I’d never experienced anything like this.
Shoving his chest, I snarled, “Where did you go, huh? Where were you while your brother put his finger inside me and came all over my back?”
He grunted, shaking his head. “Nila—don’t—”
“No.Youdon’t.” I pushed him again. My hands curled into fists, raining on his chest. “Talk to me! Tell me what the fuck you were thinking! I’m done existing this way. I won’t let you use my emotions against me anymore.”
He swallowed hard, running a shaking hand through his hair. “I get it. You hate me and want me to leave.” He stumbled forward, pushing past to reach for the doorknob as if it was centimetres away not metres. “I’m leaving...I’ll g—go.”
The slurs and hesitation spoke of a tongue still tangled with booze.
“You’re drunk.” I laughed, letting my pain frolic in the brittle sound. “I can’t believe you left me last night and got drunk!”
He shook his head. “Not anymore.” His eyes watered. “I wish I was. Fuck, I wish I was drunk. Then this wouldn’t hurt so damn much.”
“What wouldn’t hurt so much?!” I plucked the strange nightgown I wore. Who dressed me after they’d finished raping my unconscious form? Who put me to bed to wake alone and discarded?
But you weren’t alone. He slept beside you.
“What wouldn’t hurt, Jethro? The fact you’re a monster? That you’re a horrible human being? That you’re a pussy? Oh perhaps, none of the above?” My eyes narrowed. Anger boiled over, stripping body from bone. My temper was corrosive—an acid eating its way like a worm inside my mind. I couldn’t go on living like this. I couldn’t go on loving a man who refused to love me in return. I couldn’t exist in thishell. “Maybe you hurt, because you finally see how fucking wrong all of this is!”
“Stop.” He covered his mouth, shaking his head. “Just stop—”
“No! I won’t stop. Not until you tell me. Tell me what they did to me last night. I need to know. Don’t you get it? Not knowing is worse!” I balled my hands, wanting to kick him. “I want you to keep your bloody promise. Tell me what you were going to tell me the day the police came for me.”
He froze. “I—I can’t. Not now.”
“Yes. Now. This instant.” I pointed at the door. “You leave, you never come back. I’ll never again acknowledge you, look at you...kiss you. Do you understand?Never,Jethro. This is your last chance.”
I ran hands through my hair, pulling the stands. “I don’t even know why I’m giving you that. After what you did last night, you don’tdeservea chance to explain. You deserve to die a miserable death and leave me the hell alone.”
A tortured groan echoed in his chest. “Just let me go, Nila. I can’t—”
“No!” I stomped my foot. “You don’t get off easily this time. Not again. Spit it out. Tell. Me!”
The air around him withered and wilted. He shrunk, closing himself off from everything.
