No apologies necessary. You can kiss me anytime.
I’m remembering the night of the fight, I realize. After we’d turned off the TV, he’d retreated to the bedroom, forgetting his phone on the desk. I close my eyes, trying tosummon more, but that’s all there is. I step back, shuddering. And then, strangely, I’m studying the phone screen but from farther away. I’m up near the ceiling, in fact. Watching myself on the ground below.
Out of my body.
No,no.Don’t let this be happening, I think. I inhale to the count of four, hold it, exhale. And again.Stay present, I beg myself.Stayhere.
The phone rings, startling me. Dr. Erling.
“Ally?” she says when I answer.
“It’s me.”
“I was calling to check on you. Is everything okay?”
“I think—I think it might be happening again. The fugue state. I came back to the city today, and I felt disconnected for a brief time during the car ride. I snapped back, but then a few seconds ago, it seemed as if I was out of my body, looking down from above.”
“Is anyone with you?”
“No, no one. I made Hugh leave. He admitted he’s been seeing that woman, the one I told you about.”
“We can talk about that later. Have you tried the breathing exercises, Ally?”
“Uh, yes.”
“And are you still having that sensation you described?”
“Not right this second. But I’m so afraid it will come back. I...”
“It’s essential we meet in person, Ally. Right away. However, I don’t want you taking the train. Can you arrange for a car, like you did when you visited your brother?”
“Yes, yes. I’ll come right now.”
“And you still have the address in Larchmont?”
“Yes, I remember it.”
“If the sensation comes back, call me immediately from the car.”
As she hangs up, a sob catches in my throat.Please, I pray.Please let her help me.
31
Iorder an Uber, but it’s going to take twelve minutes to reach me. I’m afraid of staying in the apartment for even a second longer, worried that I’ll be back on the ceiling again, staring down at myself. I quickly grab my purse and rush down to the lobby, where I perch on a leather bench, waiting.
When the car arrives, I nearly hurl myself into it. Once I’ve attached the seat belt, I grip the door handle as hard as I can, as if it’s the only thing holding me to the present moment.
Jarring hip-hop is being piped in from both the front and back speakers. “Please,” I nearly beg the driver after a minute, “can you turn off the music?”
“Yeah, sure,” he says, and then there’s only the sound of traffic outside the window and my ragged breathing.
The ride to Larchmont, even with unexpected delays, should take less than an hour, but right now, that seems unbearably, dangerously long. I can sense my mind itching to tear away from my body, making a sound like two pieces of Velcro pulling apart as it does so. I can’t let it. I can’t let it.
I’m beyond lucky that Erling can see me on such short notice, on a weekend no less. But I also need to make a plan for when I return to the city. I wouldn’t dare be on my own tonight, especially back in the apartment. I send another text to Gabby, telling her that I’m heading to meet with Erling now but would love to see her tonight—and crash with her if that’s okay. She answers immediately this time, apologizing for the delay and saying she’d love to have me stay.
And then, as if I’m being commanded by an alien force, I text Damien, too.
Would you have time to meet later? Going to my doctor’s in Larchmont but will be back around 7.
