‘I don’t really know how to start this… but I want you all to know that I’m not who I’ve said I am.’
I’m sweating more than he bloody well is.
‘I built a life around an idea,’ he continues, sweeping a hand through his dark hair. ‘That distance was discipline, and isolation breeds strength. That love was… for the uninformed.’
You were a lying twat. But a hot one, at least.
‘For a long time, I believed that to be true. Until I didn’t.’
I slurp my tea, my eyes glued to my screen.
‘Loneliness isn’t a badge of honour, and I used it to try and hide my broken heart. My views on this celibacy cult I’ve added to online have changed. If they were ever even true. While I encourage so many people to give up intimacy to gain focus, I was lying to you all. I’d pick up women in bars who were as lonely as me, and lose myself in them for a night. Only ever one night.’
Jealousy tinges, even though I know it’s irrational.
‘I told myself I wasn’t worthy of love. That it was safer to pretend I didn’t want it. So I hid behind this persona. It was a lie.’
What’s he doing? He’s throwing himself under a bus.
‘And then I met someone.’
The way I blush, even though not a soul in the world can see me.
‘She’s amazing. Charming and utterly chaotic.’
Is he claiming me publicly? I can scarcely believe it.
‘Knowing her makes it impossible for me to keep telling you that this life,’ he gestures vaguely, ‘issomething to aspire to. It isn’t. Not for most of the reasons my fans are here. Not in the toxic way the online world seethes and places ideas where they don’t belong.’
Tears stream, and I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
‘I believed I didn’t deserve more than this,’ he says. ‘But I was wrong.’
Welcome to the club.Misinformed adults who let their childhood traumas control their futures, come on in. It’s not the catchiest title, to be fair, but I’m also no longer a member.
‘Even if she never wants me.’ He focuses on the camera, and it’s like he’s speaking to me alone. ‘Even if this costs me everything… she deserves to know that she’s amazing. That she changed me despite the way we met. That I deserve more.’
His breath catches, and he clears his throat.
‘And so do you.’
With a shake of his head, I see him relax.
‘If you’ve been following me because it gave you permission to be an avoidant idiot, please don’t. I was wrong. Don’t be as stupid as I am.’
A pause.
‘I’m done pretending.’
The video ends.
I stew over everything for a few minutes, consuming half a packet of emotional support Party Rings while I’m at it.
My phone buzzes again.
I meant what I said.
I don’t expect anything. I just can’t lie anymore.
