I’ve played this moment out in my head a hundred times. It’s never gone well. Sometimes he stands up and shoots me clean through the head. Other times he locked me away like Rupunzel, left to wither alone. I’m not convinced my dad will be quite that drastic, because I know he loves me, in his way.
I brace for disaster.
‘Is this about Eddie?’ he asks.
‘No. It’s about me. It’s about always feeling like I’mfailing at something I never signed up for. About being scared that if I don’t fall into line, you’ll… Well, I don’t know…Force me to become someone I hate.’
My voice wobbles despite my best efforts to suck it up and act tough. I can’t even make it through a sad dog video, who was I kidding?
‘I want to be part of this family.’ My words rush out. ‘I do. I need you all. I even like this crafty old house and the crow who haunts it. But I can’t be part of the business. I won’t.’
My chest tightens as I wait for a response. When it doesn’t come, I walk over and slam my hands on the desk, sending a pot of pens flying. It takes everything not to apologise and start picking them up.
‘Will you keep me captive?’ My voice hits a volume I didn’t know I had. ‘Will you force me into a life I don’t want? Because if that’s the choice, I’d rather throw myself to the bloody pigs.’
When I finally shut my mouth, all that’s left is my panting breath to break the silence.
Then Dad stands.
And despite my sudden found fire, I shrink as he towers over me.
He rounds the desk, and I wait for my reckoning.
It doesn’t come. Dad reaches down and scoops my hands into his. The warmth of his fingers soothes my speeding heart.
A smile breaks across his face.
‘Well done, Maggie.’
Well fuck-a-duck, that’s one for the storybooks.
‘…What?’
‘It’s about bloody time you came out and told me what you really feel. For you to stop apologising for who you are. Or aren’t. How many times did you keep trying to take contracts? Do you know you never once told me you didn’t want this?’
My throat tightens.
‘I was so afraid of disappointing you. I still am.’
‘Maggie, you could never disappoint me.’
Tears spill over before I can stop them, wetting my cheeks as Dad pulls me into a tight hug.
‘Does this mean I can stay in London?’
He chuckles. ‘Why are you asking me? It’s not up to me. My recent diagnosis has taught me that life is short. Far too short to live someone else’s version of it. And I’m rather proud you’ve finally grown some balls, kid.’
Wiping my eyes, I laugh. ‘You mean it?’
‘Eliza will take over, she’ll be thrilled.’
‘And what about you?’
‘I don’t intend on retiring any time soon. But I will be taking rather a lot of long breaks abroad with my wife once the chemo’s through. There’s more to life than being the number one at business.’
‘Don’t let Eliza hear that, she’ll have something to say about it.’
At long last, I feel like I can breathe.
