1
Darby
My phone buzzes as I reach the sleek, glassed-door entrance of Minari, one of the fanciest men's fashion stores on Rodeo Drive. A store I'd normally breeze by without even dreaming of setting foot inside. It's way outside my measly freelance writer income. I'm sure even a belt would set me back a month's rent.
I wedge myself behind one of the giant pot plants flanking each door, dig out my phone from my messenger bag, and smile big when I see a text from my best friend.
Sky: Did you get the dildo?
I groan and roll my eyes.
Me: I did.
Me: You shouldn't have.
Me: REALLY!
Sky: I most definitely should have. When's the last time you assturbated?
I clutch the phone close to my chest even though there's no one in my immediate vicinity. The sidewalk is swarming with people scurrying about in a last-minute Christmas Eve shopping frenzy, but I'm safely tucked away in a quiet nook.
That doesn't stop my cheeks from burning up as I reply.
Me: Say what now?
Sky: Assturbation. You've never heard of it? Way to out yourself as not having listened to my latest pod.
Oops.
Sky hostsSolo Love, a hit podcast that's all about the importance of pleasuring yourself. His catchphrase—as borrowed from the one and only RuPaul is:If you can't fuck yourself, then how the hell are you going to fuck anyone else?
He's right, I did miss last week's ep. The one about assturbation, apparently. And, now that a few seconds have passed and the word has sunk in, I think I can kind of gauge what its meaning is.
Thankfully, Sky isn't the type to hold a petty grudge and moves right along.
Sky: What are you doing right now?
Me: Shopping.
Sky: For the outfit?
Me: Yes, for the outfit.
Sky: x3
This will go down as the worst year I've ever had.
Grandma Elsie died.
My favorite aunt got diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer.
Yet another writers' strike prevented me from working.
My options deal with a major streamer fell through.
My landlord jacked up my monthly rent by four hundred dollars.
And if all that wasn't bad enough, I'm about to have the worst Christmas ever.
