Her words were so unexpected he jerked back from her, and she followed for a millisecond, like she hadn’t been ready to disconnect.
Joel shook his head. It was laughable. Unbelievable. “Free,” he repeated, incredulous. And then he laughed completely without humor. Did she really think he’d find any kind of freedom away from her? Unable to stay sitting, he got to his feet and moved aimlessly around the living room.
“Joel?” Her voice was wobbly, her eyes wet and confused.
He turned his back on her and pushed his hands through his hair, inhaling deeply, searching for control, for the right words.
“Four years,” he said finally.
“What?” Lucy murmured behind him.
He turned and regarded her on the couch, sitting there, looking a little stunned and breathtakingly beautiful.
“Four years, Lucy. I haven’t felt free in four God awfulyears. Not since the day I left you. It’s like I’ve been sleepwalking through my whole fucking life, wanting nothing more than to turn back time.” He moved forward, dropping to his knees in front of her. “There is no freedom without you. All of this”—he gestured around them, referring to their whole charade—“was for you.”
She steeled herself, like a curtain being drawn. Had he unlocked something in her?
“Exactly. For me, not for you. I don’t want you to live your life to fix mine. You’ve done that for everyone. Nearly your entire adult life you’ve lived to ensure everyone else’s happiness and security. Your family, the whole situation with Hope, even just now,” she exclaimed, pointing downstairs. “You walked into that bar, and everyone needed you for something.”
Of course they did. They always did. What did that have to do with anything? He’d never not help the people he loved if he could.
Lucy looked resolute, like she hadn’t finished making her point. “And you do it. You always have, and you always will. It’s who you are, Joel. You have lived the entirety of your life for others, and I can’t—” She made a sound, half choke, half hiccup as the tears flooded again. “I can’t be another person that’s some kind of duty for you, while you deny yourself all the things that might make you happy.”
How could she still be so clueless when he thought he’d been so obvious with his feelings these last two weeks?
“You are—” He inhaled, trying to rein in the desperation coursing through him. And the fear. Losing her was not an option. “My. Wife.” He let the words hang between them. “The only freedom I have ever known has been with you.”
There. The truth. His heart, soul, and pride laid out for her to demolish or protect.
“Joel.” It was no more than a breath off her lips. Indecision and understanding warred in her eyes.
“I want us to get re-married. I want you to have Barone & Sons. I want a lifetime of us. That’s what I want. We see this through.” His voice must have carried the weight of finality he’d hoped, because after a moment she nodded. “Say it.”
“Okay,” she whispered. “We’ll see it through.”
He only meant to kiss her as a punctuation to their conversation, but he should have known better, because the moment his lips brushed hers, his world exploded.
Lucy’s mouth opened under his. A deep moan filled the air. Unsure whose it was, he angled his mouth and swallowed the sound. Her hands weaved into his hair and grabbed hold, anchoring herself and her lips to his.
The curve of her waist molded under his fingertips, the rigidness of her ribs expanding as he ran his hands upward. He relished how her breath caught when he touched her there and below her breast. One firm tug and he would have her on his lap. A careful pull of her skirt, a firm jerk of her panties and she’d be naked over him. He’d be no more than a slide of his zipper away from sinking into her.
She wanted him to feel freedom. This was where he found it most. Bared to her, body and soul, stripped of all his calculated confidence and strength. The only time he could be his truest self was here, and that was his freedom.
“I don’t want to hear you say ever again that you are my duty,” he said against her lips, between kisses. “You aren’t an obligation, or a burden, or even a goddamn commitment. You’re an honor, Lucy. I made a promise to you that night in Vegas and I never turned back from it, even when you told me to leave. There’s been no one else for me but you, and I’ll choose you every time. Do you hear me?” He gripped herhair as he lay his forehead against hers. “I need you to believe me.”
“Okay,” she said breathlessly. “Okay, I believe you, Joel. I believe you.”
Music to his fucking ears. Her faith in him was all he required. If she trusted him to be there when she needed, he was a complete and happy man.
His fingers dug into her hips as he tugged her forward against his raging hard on. He hadn’t lied the other night when he told her they should go slow. Their sexual frustrations could not overshadow the trust that was more essential. But God help him when she bucked upward, rubbing her center against him, he wanted nothing more than to dive into her.
“Lucy,” he gasped. “We should?—”
Her fingers popped the top button of his pants.
“Oh fuck!” Why did he want to go slow? Why was he waiting? His brain cells reeled as they scrambled to line up in his head, trying to remember the reason. “Wait, we should wait.” Hell, he couldn’t even breathe without wanting her.
Lucy dipped her head, her lips finding his neck as she undid a few buttons on his shirt. “You know, I’m getting really tired of hearing you say that.” Her tongue swiped the underside of his jaw, where it met his ear, and she moaned softly.
