She hadn’t talked about him in years. No one had knownabout Luca, there’d been no one to talk about him to. “I miss him too. I think about what he’d look like, sound like.”
“You. I always imagined he’d be all you.” Joel’s gruff tone scraped the edges of her heart, making the ache deeper. “If I ever have another, I want it to be with you.”
Maybe he hadn’t meant to say that out loud because she heard his immediate sharp intake of breath, like he was shocked by his own declaration. Could he hear her heartbeat vibrating through the wall? Then his thumb stroked her skin, and she turned her head to stare at their joined hands, letting the tears slide down her face. A baseball sized knot clogged her throat so she couldn’t talk, but she nodded, hoping he’d feel the motion in her hand.
The thought of having another child was terrifying. The fear that a miscarriage would happen again was immobilizing. But more surprising was the anxiety of having a successful pregnancy. Guilt clawed her chest every time she imagined having another baby, like that would dishonor the one she’d lost. She couldn’t stomach the idea of a little soul out there, feeling like he’d been replaced. Forgotten. Like she’d simply moved on. Even the thought made her ill. And yet…the hope, the longing to one day take that leap again… If she ever did, it would only be with him.
Part of her wanted that so badly. What would it take for them to get past this? They had marriage vows and a child between them. Both had died, but maybe there was the possibility of bringing one back to life.
“So, where do we go from here?” She asked.
Joel’s thumb found the rock on her finger. He outlined it, moved it back and forth while she waited for him to say something. To guide them into the next phase. A long silence passed.
“I should go back to my room and let you get some sleep.” He made no move to get up or release her hand.
“Or you could stay,” she offered, because the last thing she wanted was to be left alone again. The yearning to be with him, close to him, was all-consuming.
Joel laughed softly, without humor. “Lucy, you know what I’ll do to you if I stay in your bed tonight. And I just finished telling you why I want us to go slow this time. No more rookie mistakes.”
This time…as if another chance waited for them on the other end of the mess they’d created. In her brain she knew he might be right, but in her vital feminine organs the need had built to a fever pitch, and she couldn’t bring herself to let him walk away from her tonight. Her emotions were too raw, her desire too greedy. “What would you do if you stayed in my room tonight?”
“Luciana,” he groaned.
“Tell me,” she whispered. She wasn’t backing down. If he left her alone right now, empty and aching, it would hurt so much more than she was ready to admit.
“I’d do whatever you wanted me to do. Whatever you asked me to do.”
Closing her eyes, she imagined what she’d want him to do first.
“Like kiss me?”
“Yes,” came his strangled reply.
“Where?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere.”
Her eyes drifted closed, the weight of the previous topic draining out of her, and she pictured where she’d want him to kiss her first. The image of his head bending to her aching nipples conjuring first.
“I remember how you taste in my mouth. Smooth andsweet. When I’m alone in my bed, I remember those nights that you let me have every part of your body. I remember the taste and the smell, how your skin felt under my hands and tongue. Those memories have kept me alive for four years, Lucy.”
Her lips parted as a new image formed, him in his bed, alone, thinking of her. She dragged in a desperate breath of air. “Tell me how you remember it,” she pleaded.
His low groan rumbled through the open door. “I remember how you liked it when I sucked on your breast a little too hard until it hurt just enough that you’d almost need me to stop. Then I’d blow on them to soothe the ache, and watch them get stiff in front of my eyes. I jacked off to that memory a thousand times.”
Her heart slammed in her chest as he recalled his intimate details and revealed his dirty little secret to her. Her nipples responded under her robe as the memory unfolded in her own mind. “They’re stiff right now.”
“Fuck.” He huffed out another humorless laugh. “I’m trying to be chivalrous here.”
Didn’t sound like it to her, but she wasn’t complaining.
“Joel, you have no idea how my body feels right now, with you on the other side of the wall within touching distance. Everything we just talked about. Everything you just said. Iache.” A soft moan finished her sentence.
He cursed again. His hand twitched in hers. “Where does it ache? Where would you want me to touch you if I was right in front of you?”
“Everywhere.”
“Be specific.” His tone had taken on that dominance she craved so much in her loneliest hours.
