Ivy’s departure put her in the “will deal with later” pile. He knew where she was and that she was safe. She’d told him she needed time and so did he. Right now, everything was too raw and emotionally charged.
So yeah, that was going into the “deal with later” pile.
Whereas his prodigal brother was in the “needs urgent attention” pile because he appeared most likely to take off if unsupervised.
And Sean was fairly certain whatever came next with Jordan was going to require all of his undivided attention. There was a decade’s worth of neglected history to work through. They could’ve probably used a good therapist and a bottle of Jack to help move things along as well. Unfortunately, none of which were presently inside his apartment.
“I’ll talk to Ivy a bit later. We tend to be more rational when we don’t have steam coming out of our ears.” He sighed when Jordan made no move from the stairwell to his apartment. “Are you coming in, or do I have to throw you over my shoulder?”
A quarter smile cracked his brother’s face. “No way you could lift me, man,” he muttered but made his way back toward the apartment. “But promise me you’ll talk to her soon. You said some shit you shouldn’t have said, and she’s been nothing but sweet to me. Sweeter than anyone’s been in a long time. I could tell, even from her texts, that she’s got it bad for you, that she’s a keeper. You fuck this up and I might have to go and pick up the pieces.”
Sean tensed as his brother strode by him and through the door. The image of his brother holding Ivy while he comforted her set his teeth on edge. Again.
“I said I’ll talk to her, and I will,” Sean grumbled.
Jordan nodded, dropped his bag in the middle of Sean’s living room, and did a slow 360, taking the apartment in. Then he moved to stare out the corner window overlooking the street. It was dark out, but the city was still lit up by office buildings, streetlamps, and other apartments.
“You’ve come a long way from the old neighborhood, brother,” Jordan commented quietly.
Guilt took another enormous bite out of Sean’s gut as he crossed to the sofa and sank down on it. He had so much he had wanted to say to his brother, and yet there was nothing he could say that could make up for the years Jordan had lost in prison. No way he could take away the criminal record that should have been his.
“Why didn’t you return my calls when I got out?” Jordan asked, his back still to Sean as he stared at the street below. “I asked you to call me back and you never did. I wanted to know if you’d come see me. Visit the cemetery with me. You know…” He turned finally, eyes sad, face drawn. “I never got to see Mom buried, so I never got a chance to say goodbye. When I got out, I thought we’d go pay respects together. Why didn’t you call me back?”
Sean blew out a breath. Stripped of all defenses, there was nothing left but the truth. “Shame.”
Silence screamed between them until Jordan spoke, his voice was gruff with emotion. “When I got out, I did everything I could to set my life right. I did my parole, volunteered in the community, took night classes, and got a job. I stayed away from old trouble. You think I don’t know that Mom died disappointed in me? That I wasn’t ashamed of myself too? I did all I could to right my wrongs, but you never gave me a chance to show you I changed.” Jordan’s tone was laced with self-deprecation.
The pressure building inside Sean since he’d seen his brother sitting outside his apartment burst. He sprang to his feet.
“I was ashamed ofme,” he shouted, jabbing his finger into his own chest. “I was ashamed that you were caged in a cell because ofme, while I was starting over in another city. It was me who should have gone to prison.” He walked across his living room, stopped at a photograph of his parents that he had sitting on a shelf. “I buried Mom, packed my bags, and left. While you didmytime. How was I supposed to face you?” He faced his brother. “What was I supposed to do? Come back and give you a slap on the back as thanks? I didn’t know what to say,” He yelled, throwing his hands in the air. Then he sighed, his anger suddenly spent. “So I said nothing. I did nothing, and I avoided you because seeing you would mean I’d have to face my greatest failure. And yes, that made me feel shame, goddammit.”
The room was so quiet he could only hear the pounding of his heart. He’d finally gotten off his chest his biggest regret and his brother only stared at him.
When Jordan finally spoke, all he said was, “That’s not the way I see it, brother.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
There were only a few times when Sean couldn’t name his emotions. Most of those times had included Ivy, like when he stood in the alley and watched her take down a man twice her size. Or when he watched her sleep so peacefully in the curve of his body, as if she hadn’t experienced a trauma most people couldn’t even imagine.
In those instances, Sean could have been shown a pictograph of every emoji in existence and not been able to pick the one that best described the chaos of feelings inside him. Not being able to pinpoint what he was dealing with made it harder to control.
He stood stock-still in the middle of his living room, every muscle in his body taut, withthatchaos pulsing through him. His headache was so intense it was now more of a full body throb. The night his brother had taken the blame for him was a core memory, every detail etched forever into his brain.
Toward the end of their mother’s illness, everything was acutely awful. Neither Sean’s income from his part-time jobs, nor the cash Jordan brought in from time to time covered the costs. Insurance wasn’t part of their reality.
As their mother deteriorated, Sean took fewer shifts so he could stay home and care for her, while Jordan disappeared for longer and longer stretches of time. No one talked about the wads of bills Jordan casually tossed onto the kitchen counter every week or so. They were just grateful that whatever Jordan did resulted in the cash they desperately needed.
To this day, Sean resented the helplessness that made him approach the contacts who set up the quick-cash jobs. A thing he thought he’d never do. And all for what? His mom had died ten days later.
But he hadn’t known that when he’d used his brother’s street cred to land a shipment drop in another neighborhood. His promised cut would’ve paid for at least another round of medication.
It should’ve been simple. He had to pick up a car loaded with the goods and drive it into another part of town where he was to wait until a third party arrived to take the car and goods away.
He knew the goods were contraband and that the car was stolen. But he took the job anyway, because he’d believed he had no other choice.
There’s always a choice.His brother’s earlier words interrupted the memory. But if there had been another choice, he didn’t know what it would have been.
What he hadn’t anticipated was Jordan catching up with him as he got into the car. Jordan had been livid. He’d told Sean to go home. Instead, Sean had driven off, with his brother in the passenger seat, in a car full of cocaine.
