Hope let out a laugh. “No, not exactly, but maybe find someone you trust and let him help you rediscover your sexuality in a safe, meaningful way. Pick someone you care about and who cares about you and will be gentle with you and go at your pace.”
Ivy snorted. “Oh yeah, like that guy actually exists.”
Hope raised her eyebrows knowingly, because they both knew that guy actually did exist. And he lived across the hallway.
“I couldn’t ask Sean to do that,” Ivy murmured, taking a sip of wine to take the edge off the butterflies that had erupted in her stomach at the prospect of rediscovering her sexuality with Sean. She thought of his strong arms around her, hoisting her up his long body so she could wrap her legs around his waist, and took another gulp of wine to ease her suddenly dry throat.
“Ivy, everyone knows Sean has been interested in you for eons.”
“He is not.” To emphasize her point, she flicked her hand toward the door. “He’s out on a date as we speak. With someone who is not me.”
“Maybe because you shot him down every time he made any kind of pass at you.”
“Sean has not made a pass at me,” Ivy declared. She got an incredulous stare in response. “Has he?” she demanded, her mind backtracking through all the moments she and Sean had shared, and there were many.
Hours spent together in the gym, training or consulting on clients. Friday evenings in Bowie’s, sharing a drink and talking about the week. After he moved in across the hall, there’d been many nights watching Netflix, eating popcorn, and making bad jokes about the equally bad TV they were consuming. Since she’d come to Portland, she had countless memories that featured Sean. None of them included him making a pass at her. She wasn’t that oblivious. Was she?
“Plenty of times. Enough that it’s obvious to everyone but you that, yeah, he’s just that into you.” Hope looked at her meaningfully, arching one of her perfectly groomed eyebrows. “Ivy, he moved in beside you. He didn’t have to leave his old place. There was nothing wrong with it. It was closer to the gym than this apartment. But he moved in as soon as Gabe and Ruby moved out. Why do you think that was?”
Ivy hadn’t ever thought about it. When she’d heard Sean was moving in she’d been giddy with excitement. She hadn’t really questioned why. “It’s a two-bedroom?”
Hope rolled her eyes then reached for her wineglass and downed the contents. She got up and gathered the empty takeout boxes. “Look, I have to go. I told the sitter I’d be back by 9:30, but for the record, I think this is a good plan.”
“Plan? Asking Sean to be my fuck buddy is not a plan, Hope.”It’s a fantasy.
Hope pursed her lips, making a face that reminded Ivy she was every inch the aristocrat she’d been raised as. “Don’t be crude, Ivy. Not a fuck buddy, more like a friend, who you trust, who is the perfect person to help you reclaim your confidence as a sexually healthy and vibrant young woman.” She headed toward the kitchen, pausing only to toss a casual look over her shoulder. “And if anything happens to grow from there, well, then that’s a happy consequence, right?”
Right. As if.
Assuming that she actually went ahead with this, and further assuming Sean actually agreed to this ridiculous plan, there was little to no chance that after he saw how insecure and uptight she was when it came to sex, that he’d actually want her. The idea was ludicrous. She knew he cared about her, but a man like him was used to women like Tina. Confident, sensual, warm, open to anything. Ivy, on the other hand, was disgusted at even the thought of having a man kiss her, never mind lie on top of her.
Unless she imagined Sean’s lips on her, then she was the opposite of disgusted. The thought of having those firm lips work their way across hers sent heat ricocheting through her body and she got up from the couch to distract herself from the sensation. He’d make it good. She would bet the bank on it, but—there were so many buts. Starting with she most certainly did not know how to make it good for him and ending with he could never know why she had major hang ups in the bedroom.
Ivy shuddered at the notion of Sean finding out what had happened to her. It would change everything, and not in a good way.
A familiar chill replaced the heat as that night three years ago hovered closer to the edges of her memory. She shoved it back. It had been the singular most horrific moment of her entire life, and over the last few years she’d found she did her best when she didn’t relive it. When she thought of how her body had betrayed her that day, freezing on her, not even attempting to fight back. When she remembered what had been done to her, it made her skin crawl. Like a horde of ants skittering over her body, leaving a trail of ickiness behind. The sensation always left her with a strong urge to shower, or go for a run until she could shake it off.
Inhaling deeply, she focused on the task of helping Hope put the leftovers in the fridge. She centered her full attention on closing lids and setting glasses in the sink. Slowly, she brought herself back to the present.
No, Sean could never know. She couldn’t even imagine how she would tell him. She’d told so few people in her life.
Other than the counselor she saw right after the incident, and Hope’s brother who’d been involved in the complicated aftermath of the assault when Hope had nearly been kicked out of college, and Gabe, no one else knew. No one. And the very last person she could face with the truth was Sean. He was too important. She didn’t want him to see her ugly side. Her weaknesses were revolting, even to herself.
Which made overcoming them so much more important. Could she really ask Sean to help her get comfortable sexually? And overcome this one massive dread that still lingered inside her? He was her friend. Herbestmale friend. She trusted him. He’d be gentle and patient with her. A man like Sean Thompson would die before he hurt any woman. She knew that much.
The solution seemed perfect. With Sean’s help, she could rediscover the joy of sex. Her sexual experiences didn’t have to be haunted by the sole one that had been violent and out of her control. She didn’t have to be afraid. Sean could help her get there.
The wheels started turning in her head so loudly Hope must have heard them, because suddenly she was standing in front of Ivy, her jacket already pulled on, purse slung over her shoulder. Her look was knowing.
“Ivy, you deserve to be happy, fully content, and at peace with your body. You deserve to uncover all the delicious pleasure your body is capable of. Living paralyzed by what happened isn’t what you deserve. Go for this. Go for him.” With the resolute statement, Hope pulled her in for a fierce hug. “I love you,” she whispered into Ivy’s ear.
Ivy hugged her back, but said nothing. She loved Hope, like a sister, but she’d never told her. She hadn’t told anyone. It seemed too—intimate.
“So,” Hope drawled as she opened the apartment door. “It’s going to be a week. I am volunteering at Ruby’s school, and I have the guy coming to reno the basement into a rec room, but—” She broke off when she saw something beyond Ivy’s line of sight.
Sometimes it sucked being the short one. Ivy boosted herself up on her tiptoes to see over Hope’s shoulder. Past her doorway, across the spacious hallway, Sean was shoving his key into his lock. In slow motion, Hope turned her head to face Ivy, slightly closing the door behind her. Her mouth formed a small “o” shape, her eyes went wide.
This was not good. Ivy knew this look. Hope was formulating an idea that was either poorly timed, ridiculous, or downright bad.
