“That would be awesome. And make sure you sign it so I can say I got your autograph way back when, okay?”
His face lights up. “Yeah!”
“Tate’s always been good with kids,” Mom says to Tessa, walking over with a plate of appetizers. She turns to me. “Remember when Mark and his friends used to babysit for the Hendersons? You were barely twelve, but you’d tag along and entertain little Katie while the older boys played video games.”
“Mom,” I warn, but she’s already in full embarrassing-story mode and Tessa is eating it up.
“He’d read to her, play dolls with her, whatever she wanted.” She pauses. “Speaking of which, is there a plan for you to have your own kids one day?”
And there it is. The question I’ve been dreading since I walked through the door. I’m actually shocked it took her this long to ask it.
“Mom... ” I sigh and take a swig of the beer Mark just handed me.
“I’m just saying, it’s important to have a work-life balance.” She smiles pointedly at Tessa and Ethan. “Don’t you want that?”
“Of course he does,” Mark says. “He’s just... picky.”
“I’m not picky,” I say, my voice laced with annoyance. And I suddenly remember why I have stayed away from these family events.
“You are. Remember Amanda? She was perfect for you, and you let her get away.”
Amanda. My ex-girlfriend who spent too long trying to figure out why I seemed distant, why I never wanted to talk about the future, why sex felt like I was going through the motions. Sweet, patient Amanda who deserved someone who could love her the way she deserved.
“Amanda and I weren’t right for each other.”
“She was pre-law, gorgeous, and crazy about you. What more did you want?”
What I wanted was to feel something real. What I wanted was to stop pretending that the relationships I had with women were anything more than elaborate performances designed to keep people from asking the questions I couldn’t answer because I just couldn’t accept the truth.
“We weren’t right for each other.”
“You said that about Sarah, too. And Jessica. And that girl from the coffee shop near your apartment.”
Tessa laughs and swats at Mark’s arm. “Leave him alone. He’ll find someone when he’s ready.”
“But when will he be ready?” Mom asks, like I’m not sitting right here. “He’s twenty-six. His career won’t last forever.”
Ouch. That fucking stings, mainly because it’s too damn close to the truth. My career might not last another month if I can’t get my shit together.
“I’m focused on hockey right now,” I say.
“Hockey doesn’t keep you warm at night,” Dad calls from the grill.
“Jesus, Dad.”
Mom shrugs and picks up a piece of pita bread before sweeping it through a bowl of hummus. “He’s right, though. You need someone to share your life with. Someone who understands you.”
I think about Zane, about the way he looked at me when Parker caught us. About the fear in his eyes.
“Maybe I’m just not the settling-down type,” I say.
“That’s a bunch of crap,” Mark says. “You’ve always been the relationship guy. Even in high school, you always had girlfriends instead of playing the field.”
“That was different,” I say.
“How?”
Because those relationships were safe. Because dating girls meant I didn’t have to confront the part of myself that wantedthings I couldn’t name, couldn’t admit, was afraid to risk everything for.
