Chapter 1
Nash
I’m surrounded by dicks all day long.
For an in-the-closet gay hockey player, it’s like being a kid in a candy shop and not being able to touch a fucking thing.
I can look, but I can’t touch.
It’s torture.
Take right now, for example.
The most gorgeous, muscular, and beautiful men all await me, and all I can do is pretend.
Pretend to be straight.
Pretend not to notice how their bodies seem to skate in a glorious rhythm.
Pretend that I’m not secretly wanting every one of them.
The cold air bites at my skin as I approach the rink, the familiar scent of ice and sweat wafting in the brisk morning. It stirs something in me—a heady mix of anticipation and dread. I’ve always loved this place; it's where I can lose myself and become more than just the secrets I hold. The weight of my aspirations rests heavily on my shoulders, and as I take a deep breath, I can feel the rink's embrace, welcoming yet daunting.
I look around, noting the flurry of movement as fellow players arrive, their laughter echoing in the chilly air. I’m here to be perfect, to win the championships, but what if they knew who I truly am? The mere thought sends a shiver down my spine, deeper than the cold that surrounds me.
As I walk through the rink’s entrance, the sound of skates scraping against the ice fills my ears, mixing with the clatter of sticks and the sharp crack of pucks being launched against the boards. My heart races as I envision the upcoming practice, my role as the goalie—a position both revered and feared. I remember the sacrifices I made to be here, the endless hours of training, my muscles screaming in agony, and each bruise a testament to my commitment. I can’t let them down. I won’t.
But the fear of judgment is a gnawing reminder that plays in the background, twisting in the pit of my stomach. I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the glass surrounding the rink: blonde hair tousled and green eyes filled with determination, yet clouded by an uncertainty I can’t shake.
“Hey, Nash, are you ready for today?” I hear Sean call out.
He was one of the first guys I met on the new team. Right outside of Louisville, Kentucky, the Stallions Hockey Team emerged as the first pro hockey team in the area. We all knew getting drafted was a big deal. We are part of something big and new. Sure, we are only in our first year together and not established like teams out of Boston and Canada, but we all have the potential to make it something great.
“Sure,” I say, though I feel anything but ready. I’m nervous.
Wyatt slaps me on the back as he walks past me. His long, curly dark hair bounces against his shoulders. I note the wedding ring on his hand.
My gaze drifts, and I see the tall figure of another one of my new teammates—Leo Maverick. There’s something magnetic about him, a cockiness that draws eyes, mine included, even as it irks me. I’ve read the tabloid posts about him. Unlike the majority of my new teammates, Leo has a tough reputation. He went straight from high school to the pros and has been sold to various teams along the way due to his temper and difficult nature. He’s the only teammate I am worried about. Yet, he’s also the hottest one, too. For some reason, our team decided we needed him.
What will it be like to be his teammate? Can I manage my crush when all I see is arrogance wrapped in undeniable talent? The thought stirs an uncomfortable heat inside me, and I swallow hard, trying to redirect that energy into something more productive. I can’t let anything distract me; I must stay focused.
On the way to the locker room, I exchange nods with familiar faces, the camaraderie settling in like a familiar blanket. It feels almost surreal—the jokes, the playful shoves, the banter. I want to be part of this world, yet part of me remains on the outskirts, holding back as if waiting for the moment when the laughter will fade, and silence will reign.
Once in the locker room, the smell of sweat and liniment mingles with the cool scent of the metal lockers. I gear up, the ritual soothing in its familiarity. My red and black jersey hangs at my locker, waiting for me, number 31. My name, Nash O-Connor written above the locker. As I lace my skates, I can feel the quiet drumbeat of my heart, a reminder of the pressure that comes with the season. The weight of expectations looms overhead.
“Ready for a fun practice, Nash?” one of my teammates teases, flashing a confident grin. His name is Jack. We all made our concerns clear when the coach told us he was bringing Leo onto our team. I force a smile in return, but my mind drifts back to the one who makes my pulse quicken—the very same one I hope not to run into on the ice today. I can’t help but wonder if he even knows I exist, let alone the depths of what I feel.
As we gather for a pre-practice huddle, Coach Reynolds outlines our goals, the words a blur as my thoughts scatter. The anticipation pulses through my veins like a living thing. Icatch sight of Leo, leaning against the boards, a look of mild disinterest plastered across his face, yet something about him pulls at me, sharp and exhilarating.
As we break, the huddle transforms into chaos. Players dart onto the ice, skates slicing into the surface, echoing against the walls. I step onto the ice, the chill washing over me, amplifying my focus. The net awaits—my domain, my sanctuary, and my battlefield. I take my position, breathing deeply, each exhale a reminder of my resolve to keep the goals—both on and off the ice.
The world fades into the background, and as I prepare for the drill, I can sense the dynamics shifting. A buzz fills the air, a tension coiling like a spring, waiting for release. Today, something is bound to happen, I can feel it. I am ready—ready to face whatever challenges await, whether they come from pucks or from the heart.
The locker room hums with the low buzz of camaraderie, the sound of laughter mingling with the rustle of gear being shuffled around. The air feels electric, charged with a tension I can’t quite put my finger on. My heart beats a steady rhythm, but beneath it lies an undercurrent of dread as I steal glances at the doorway, wondering when he’ll walk in—Leo, the storm set to disrupt the carefully arranged order of my world.
Our coach bursts through the door, his presence swallowing the chatter. His demeanor shifts the atmosphere instantly, reminding us all of the work ahead. I can see him scanning the room, his sharp gaze catching every pair of eyes, measuring the readiness within each of us. His lips press into a thin line ashe nods. “Listen up, everyone. We have something important to discuss.”
The weight of his words thickens the air, and a quiet washes over the locker room. I catch my breath, the anticipation knotting in my stomach. “I know we’ve had a rough season so far,” he continues, “but it’s time to bring in some new talent. I’m excited to introduce you to our latest recruit. He’s got a reputation that speaks volumes, and I expect you all to show him the respect he deserves.”
