NOT ‘CHO ALIEN DATING PROFILE
There are some actions requiring a person to be either very brave or very stupid, with only the end result determining which of the two it was—or so Sally thought as she sat staring at the ‘new profile’ screen of the Human-Extraterrestrial Liaison Program’s dating app.
The H.E.L.P. website stared back at her, daring Sally to fill it out and see what sort of alien appendages awaited her on the other side of the ‘submit’ button. She was on her third glass of Boon’s Farm red, and while the wine was certainly helping with the ‘stupidity’ side of things, it wasn’t providing her coherent answers to fill in the blanks.
“Why did I decide to do this again?” she muttered, slurping loudly from her red solo-cup wine glass. They’d been a gag gift for her birthday a few years back, but had become her non-ironic favorites. She called them her ‘Big Girl’ glasses.
“Aliens!” Llewellyn answered with a happy chirp as she tipped the oven door closed with the heel of her foot. “Hot, sexy aliens with penises Earth men can only dream about!”
The perky brunette slid the still-steaming tray of nachos into the middle of the kitchen table and plopped down into the chair next to her friend. She then snorted and tugged the laptop out of Sally’s hands.
“You’re terrible at this,” she griped, erasing‘rides horses’and replacing it with ‘Three-time winner of the Texas Rose Rodeo Championship’.
“I told you I hate dating apps,” Sally whined, letting her friend tinker. “I never know what to put! Besides, it’s not likethey’regoing to know what the Texas Rose is.”
“Well they can google it! Or whatever the ‘google’ equivalent is on alien internet. And anyway that’s why you’re supposed to putpictures.”
Sally grimaced. “I ain’t lettin’ you put my face up there while I’m shit-faced.”
Llewellyn rolled her eyes, casually hitting the button to add photos. She clicked through Sally’s computer files like a pro before settling on several professional-looking shots taken by reporters during one of Sally’s competitions.
“Those are old,” Sally complained. “Am I wearingmakeup? That’s gotta be from at least 5 years ago, Lou, I cain’t put those!”
A brief battle for the keyboard ensued before Llewellyn resorted to tickling. Sally shrieked with offended laughter, then shot from the table and launched herself through the narrow confines of the double-wide and into the bathroom.
“Oh mah gahd, woman! YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME PISS MYSELF!”
Llewellyn chuckled with mischievous satisfaction, uploaded a few more pictures, then hit ‘save’.
“You’re an evil woman, Llewellyn Grace!” Sally’s muffled complaint filtered through the bathroom door and up the hall to the tiny dining table.
Lou grinned, hollering back, “I think you mean I’m a‘bad, bad girl’!”
The door clattered open, a tipsy Sally leaning on the wall a moment for support. She rolled her eyes, hiding a grin.
“Whatwouldyour mother think,” Sally joked.
“Hey, don’t forget, my mother was the one who lent us ‘Old Town Ho-Down’. She’d think I was doin’ you a favor and that we needed to get you in a bikini for a few of these pictures!”
Sally’s face flamed almost as red as her hair. She’d managed to suppress all memories of‘Old Town Ho-Down’. Mostly.
“I’d forgotten about that travesty,” she muttered, flopping back down and dragging a pile of nachos onto her plate. Mouth full, she cronched happily through the cheesy, chili-covered goodness.
“Oh please,” Llewellyn snorted, snagging a chip off Sally’s plate while she typed. “It wasn’tthat badas far as porn goes. And besides, Iknowyou enjoyed it; I heard your vibrator goin’ at least three times after we went to bed that night!”
“Oh mah gahd, Lou!”Sally buried her face in her hands, dying of embarrassment.
“What? The walls in this trailer hidenothin’, you know that!”
“But you don’t have ta’ talk about it!”
Llewellyn grinned her brightest ‘best friend gonna give you guff forever’ grin. She spun the laptop screen back to Sally. “Ok, what do you think aboutthis?”
Sally wrinkled her nose as she crunched and scrolled. Nothing was getting between her and her nachos, not even a dating profile for potentially hot, sexy aliens. Rolling her eyes, she erased ‘can swallow entire hot-dog in one go’,but left ‘very good with knots’.That one was at least a practical skill.
“Remind me again why I let you talk me inta this?”
“Because Chet and I are practically engaged—if he ever grows the balls t’ ask me—Tracy isn’t dating men, and you’ve already been through the entire rodeo pool twice over?” Llewellyn batted her eyelashes innocently, giving Sally a shit-eating grin. “And because you’re a really good friend who has nothing better to do on a Friday night other than to entertain me?”
